Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Unmotivated --> guilty --> useless --> sad

I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything at the moment. Be it housework, preparing PowerPoint presentations on my research, lesson planning or private study. I feel guilty about not doing those things. Yes they are all work-related activities and one might argue that the sunny warm weather we are currently having in the UK is a great aid to procrastination. However, I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything fun either. I don't actually know what I would find fun.

In fact I just feel like staring out of the window and mulling over my uselessness to the world.

I should apply for jobs. But I can't. I don't know what is stopping me other than a mental block. But I can't.

I don't think I have anything to offer anyone. I have some skills, but don't have confidence using them. They are skills that the world doesn't seem to want. I don't have skills that are wanted: drive and motivation, ability to market oneself.

Am I of any use to anyone? Is there a point in me existing? I know there are people in my life who value me. But it's the same way I know broccoli is green. I can't get excited or happy about it. Nor do I feel particularly loved or cherished.

That again makes me feel guilty for not being able to appreciate the love that family and friends can and do give me. Makes me feel I shouldn't exist again, that someone else could live my life better than I could.

These thoughts keep cycling around in my head. I don't think I'm depressed, because I can still function. Routine helps. I can still take pleasure in things (I think). But ultimately I feel like a failure. And that isn't going to change.


Now I'm going to have a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit (despite the diet I'm supposed to be on), and find something to organise. Sometimes the act of putting things in order helps distract me from my low mood. I'll do it when I can get the energy.

P.S. Can anyone else relate to this? How do you cope?

Saturday, 6 July 2013

"I need to..."

Again I posted this after the event. Hope it's of interest.

I'm not sure why I'm writing today. Hoping it will be a cathartic experience, and that I'll feel better as a result.
My trigger for this low period, has cme about to a lack of sleep, hormones and not much 'do nothing' time.

I just cut short a driving lesson wasting something like £22. Felt too shaky and not able to concentrate for the full lesson. It would end in more mistakes, and I would just feel even more useless.

I'm contemplating cancelling my tutorial this afternoon. The thing that is stopping me doing that is my student needs to organise future tutorials with me in person, with her diary in front of her. Otherwise she forgets, and doesn't turn up, and I'm left waiting around. Maybe I'll just cut it short too... one hour instead of two.

I feel like it's a lack of progress that's making me feel bad. But it could also be too many demands, by too many people. My graduation day is coming up. The parents are coming down, but I don't know when exactly, or how long for. I need to book a hotel room for them. I also need to get organised for me: what to wear, hair, make-up etc... I'm also going abroad in August, and need to sort out visa and immunisations etc. Need to plan lessons. Need to study bookkeeping techniques some more. Need to book driving theory test, and study for it.Need to do some research for my volunteer organisation. I think I need to sort out an educational activity too for them.

Too many 'I need to's.

I need to sleep, and do nothing for a day. Then I need to do some organising around the house (my way of relaxing, is putting order to things). Then I need to do nothing for a day. Then I'll be ready to face the world again.

But that's more 'I need to's.

Today is a day I want to spend in my hole. Don't want to deal with people any more. End of.