Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Vignette: Doing So Well

I was doing so well.   Not super super well, but coping fine with everyday life.  In fact I have a pretty good way of telling if I am doing fine or not.  Do I feel guilty about posting to Depressed Academics, because of feeling I'm not depressed enough to be here?

Today I did ok at work, even had time for a nap, and somehow the afternoon and early evening passed, and I hadn't got a lot done, I found myself getting irritable, I was not happy, and I hadn't done the minimal family responsibilities I felt I should have done.

This is not a crash even in my terms - and my bad days are not that bad compared to many I have been reading about since starting the blog.  But that doesn't mean I'm delirious with joy about letting my family down.


  1. Is the guilt a sign that you are doing fine, or that you are not?
    I have my guesses, but I'd like to know how you use this.

  2. The guilt is a sign I am doing well.

    If I think of a post and go to D.A. and feel ... hmmm, I shouldn't be posting here, somebody else who is REALLY depressed right now should be... then I feel guilty. (I often still post but might feel guilty).

    The odd thing is that Depressed Academics has helped me a lot ... often getting the thoughts out help. Plus having people think it is a good thing that we are here. So having the blog makes it more likely i feel guilty about posting on it!

    Of course none of this makes any sense. The guilt comes from feeling good on a given day. I still have ups and downs (downs the last couple of days). But on the ups I'm still taking the tablets.

  3. Huh.
    Good thing I asked — that was actually the opposite of what I would have guessed.

    One reason is that for me, feeling guilty (more or less at all) is a huge, honking, blaring red flag for me. If I start randomly feeling guilty about what I do, or what I don't do, or how I'm spending my time working or not working et c., then this usually means that my reality perception is off and I'm actually spiraling downwards.

  4. Ahhh... I'm talking about the very specific guilt of posting to D.A.

    In general then guilt is a bit of a sign of depression hitting me. Though a clearer sign is me thinking I'm useless or I'm the worst person in the world, or I want to kill myself (which I don't, I've posted about that.)

  5. In my experience, guilt is an indicator that I'm losing ground. When I hear myself saying that my illness is minor compared to those who are really sick, I'm learning (through cognitive behaviour therapy) to recognize those thoughts as a symptom of my depression. If your inner critic is becoming harsher and more intrusive, I would seek medical support. I hope Ian is okay. I'm worried that he hasn't posted since Tuesday.

  6. Ian did comment on Wednesday; and this week is Easter — a very common time for families to go away for a little while.

    I am choosing not to worry until … well … Tuesday at the earliest.

  7. … in fact, he posted on Facebook less than 30 minutes ago.

  8. I'm fine, yes. In fact 30 minutes ago is just after we arrived so yes Mikael is spot on about travelling.

    Wednesday was still bad but Thursday I was more or less feeling ok, at least misery wise. This week at work I really felt my brain was not doing a good job, but it felt more like tiredness than anything else. So it's a good time for a week's break.

    On Anon's main point, I agree about many forms of guilt, but in general my guilt about not feeling bad enough to post here is a good sign for me. Because it means I am feeling quite good.


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