Thursday, 11 April 2013

Vignette: Just what I needed

Of course. This is exactly what I needed today. An anxiety attack out of the blue to really drive home the message that just because I get (quite a lot of) good days from my new meds doesn't mean everything is already solved.

I have a lot of deadlines right now. Two job applications, one 400k€ grant application and one major conference paper deadline with a submission video I'll be rendering and editing myself.

All in the span of about 8-10 days.

So I feel a large pressure to focus. To actually get all these things done. Which in turn means I react without much grace to being forced to focus. Today I got about 30 minutes worth of work done. All day. Last day to prep before I get access to the video editing suites tomorrow.

And the pressure to focus means I paralyze. Freeze up. Don't get anything done anymore.
And the paralysis means I start fretting and eventually freaking out about my productivity in the face of these external pressures.

I was doing remarkably well before. Today I'm not even able to cook dinner, and the thought of having to be involved in cooking and cleaning up after had me panicking.

1 comment:

  1. I can only think of one thing to say. If you get nothing done it's ok.

    I think this is one of the most difficult things about depression as an illness. If somebody gets the flu, they get nothing done and they understand they've got the flu so they couldn't do it.

    Depression is the same if you take a hit and can't work at a critical time.

    But one difference is this. Both people might feel that they should be doing more and feel bad about it. But for the flu sufferer, that feeling doesn't directly make their flu worse. For the depressed person it can make the depression work.

    So there's a self-referential hit you can suffer with a depression.

    But the other thing to say is: I'm glad this is a bit rarer now because of meds.


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