I could introduce myself. But since there really was no beginning to when this all began, I shall start with today. I am hyper. Or as one might say "hypomanic". I have so much to say, so much in my head but I will start slowly. I will try anyway.
I like things-to-do lists because they are simple. Unlike me. Or my perception of what happens to me on a daily basis. I will discuss the unpacking of the language of mental illness at some point. If I don't crash, fall into a state of depression.
I am young, but old. I have had a mental illness for over ten years. Or rather, I was diagnosed at a really young age. Today was difficult though. But not as difficult as it has been or could be, if I let it get out of hand. They say I might have borderline personality disorder or bipolar. I don't know I don't I don't know.
So some observations about today (hypomania):
1. Clear-headed, careful, cautious.
2. OCD tendencies (I have been washing my hands repeatedly and "checking" things. This is not usual for me and should have been a flag or a warning.
3. Thinking I am okay. "Knowing" that I am okay. Believing it with my whole being. I am okay, right?
4. An absurd amount of positive affirmations (really, it's okay to have affirmations, but when everything is really dang positive, it's hard to see the imbalance)
Some observations about today (mania):
2. Repetitive talk, circle speech, jumpiness in my conversations (topic to topic)
3. Fine motor skills lacking, difficult, inadequate
4. Mixed states crop up. I am manic one minute, and then balling the next. I feel destructive, I feel wonderful, I feel impulsive, I feel destructive, etc, etc.
Enough with meta-cognition, right? This is what Person X alluded to today, my paraphrase. I am severely aware of almost every thought, action, sensation, feeling and of course other people's thoughts, actions, sensations and feelings. I "know" they were laughing at me. I "know" they want to be my friend. I "know" they were judging me.
Take this as documentation. Of a person with hypomania. But I am to tell you how to manage right? Well, I can't tell you anything for You. I can only tell myself what to do. This is how I survived the day of days.
1. Support system. Whether this is Person X or my other friends. Whether it's family. Or my pet.
2. No caffeine (AT ALL)
3. No other stimulants such as nicotine (this was a challenge and a fail because I am quitting again and had to have a quit aid)
Those were the essentials. When I was bordering on more severe mania today, I had a lot of other ideas (purified water, smiles, hugs). It was so precious.
Take the list for what you will. Modify it, add to it, ignore it. For me though, this was crucial. Especially the support system tid bit. My friends (and family) were keeping up with me.
Achievement: To tell someone you love someone in a fit of joking, but to mean it nevertheless. For them to tell it back and to mean it. That is when you know it's golden.
They did fall asleep eventually. Which means they must have trusted me enough in my own safety. I was difficult. I cried. Well, sobbed actually. Hysteric bursts of crying and alternating laughter. It was a sight, I can only imagine.
So this is how I want to introduce myself. As a half-crazed, fully articulate hypomanic. Whether it's borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder or both, the symptoms are there. These are real. This is what I am going through. Thanks for reading.