I don't want to appear manic, but perhaps it will be apparent. I have not gone to sleep yet. I have officially been up for 23 hours. This might not surprise the well-versed insomniac, but for me, it is different. This is what I did as an undergraduate. This is what I did for my work, my papers, my professors, but really for me. I might have been burnt out most of my MA degree. But that did not seem to stop me. I worry about stopping. For if I stop, what will happen?
The city of 2 is safe. There is no glass on the ground. There is a quiet neighborhood. But I have seen it get wild on occasions. I have seen it dangerous. But, I must say I feel safe tonight/this morning/now. Yet, there is always a yet. I worry about tomorrow/today/now. I must get some sleep. Because if I don't this could mean a hospitalization. This could mean worse. I am not saying the hospital is bad, I am saying it could get worse than being in a hospital. But this is basic stuff, right? Sleep regulation is so critical to a mood disorder.
The thing is I am aware. But how much better is my awareness if I am to be spinning out of control? I have control, but where is it? I have been doing my breathing exercises. Deep breath 1 2 3 exhale 1 2 3. Regular breath 1 2 3 exhale 1 2 3. And so on.
But I can't stop the raciness. The urge for something, anything to fill my spirits. I am not talking about R's voices or sensations or "thoughts" as they particularly like to refer to them as. I am talking about me. About my stability, my essence. My spirits. How can I attain this? It's painful and brings me much ache to not be able to sleep. To wonder if sleep was ever possible. But of course it is, I have done it on so many occasions. Almost every night of this past six months. Why tonight? Why tonight when I need sleep more than anything--can't I sleep?
I am getting angry now. Angry to a mild degree. But I feel it in my heart beat. That this is not the way. I should be asleep. I get self-conscious, and then angry, and then paranoid. It is rather discontenting (for search of a better word).
I don't want to bore you all. I know perhaps a few of you have been here before. Perhaps not. But I feel like crying, but my tear ducts are dry. I am staring at a screen and typing. This is what I am doing. This is what I want to do on a lighter occasion.
For I know when this mood passes, I will be dried up like my tear ducts. I will not be able to cry with my body any longer. I will not be able to laugh so hard I cry. I will be dull. I will be unmotivated. I won't be functioning and I won't be able to write you.
The anger builds up inside of me now. It is probably making my face a hibiscus color-- purplish red? Can that count for a hibiscus color? Yes, I googled it and the answer is yes (according to google)....
The 2 city is breaking morning mist and an almost sunshine. I try too hard with the metaphors, I suppose. Regardless, I am just so desperate to sleep. I want to drive but I have banned myself from my vehicle as well as coffee and any sort of caffeine.
Maybe I will try again. I feel motivated.
Note: I do take low dosages of anti-psychotics as well as an antidepressant. I just thought I should state that for the record. This was prompted by why thank you paranoia.