Warning: this post will deal with suicide, or to be more precise suicidal thoughts. If that worries you please don't read further.
The title of this post comes from "Depression Part 2", by Hyperbole and a Half.
I do have regular suicidal thoughts, but they seem almost trivial to me. I regularly say to myself I want to kill myself. On a good day I can beat it by catching the thoughts and rephrasing them. On a very good day the thoughts don't occur at all.
I don't want to kill myself. The thing is, I don't really mind that my brain tells me that I do want to kill myself. It's an irritant to me. Like some British people don't like the standard "have a nice day" phrase. That is a bit of an irritant to them, but it doesn't make them suicidal. That is how I feel about "I want to kill myself". It's annoying but it doesn't make me suicidal - at least in my own head.
One thing that becoming addicted to naps has helped me with is not being scared of dying. I love so much drifting off, maybe listening to a nice audio book or podcast in a comfortable bed, that if death was like that I would not be unhappy about it. But that doesn't mean I want to die. Every single time I have a nap I want to wake up from it.
On the other hand, if I am having a nap as stress release from being miserable, I can find myself thinking how comforting it would be to have a gun I could point at my head. Though, maybe oddly, I don't think about pulling the trigger. Just the comfort of having it there.
I also don't think about means of killing myself. In as much as I do think about killing myself, it is definitely about just not existing, not about killing myself. Hence the post title.
Honestly, I feel like I am not suicidal, even though I might tell myself I want to kill myself a dozen or more times in a single day.