Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Random thoughts... Feel free to ignore

I'm writing this having just had a bit of a cry on my partner A's shoulder. I feel guilty for having done so as he's ill too with food poisoning. In my opinion I should be taking more care of him, than he is of me. 

Life seems ok on the surface... I have my tutoring (one tutee only at the moment), volunteering and accounting study... Relationships with friends and family are also going reasonably well. I've started having driving lessons, in order to make applying for 'proper' jobs easier. 

On paper, I seem to be doing the right things.

But my feelings alternate between sad and empty. I fear that this is the start of depression coming back. So right now, I'm just doing what I can to feel useful. Like not cancelling commitments and appointments, and trying to do more around the house, on a more regular basis. I'm hoping routine will stave off full-blown depression. I'm hoping this episode will pass at some point without further dip. Because right now, I'm functioning. And I don't want to go back to the days when I wasn't.

I found myself awake at 3 am this morning... The dreaded hour in my experience. Throughout my earlier episode of depression, 3 am was a constant companion. I would always be awake at this time.

This post might sound a little flat, after my other posts. I guess that's how I'm feeling: flat and numb

1 comment:

  1. Just an update: I had a brief uplift at the weekend, and began to feel more hopeful. I think it was the regressive effect of returning to the family home. Also managed to talk about some of my depressive feelings to my mum, for the first time, which probably helped.

    Now, I've returned to my own home, I feel a low coming on again. I'm returning to my tactic of trying to keep busy, but it's not always easy.


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