Friday, 7 June 2013

So THAT's what they meant?!

When I first got treated, years back, I was issued Lamotrigin, an anti-epileptic, and told that its role was to «give me space and a respite from my emotions enough for therapy to work». At that time I'm not sure I understood what my psychiatrist meant by it.

Right now, on the other hand, I spend some time being amazed by how well my current medication is working. I am noticing control over my own emotions for the first time I can remember. I am noticing how I can learn — more or less on my own — not to overreact.

For an example: I have a fear of heights. This means among other things that glass or lattice floors high up are genuinely disturbing to me. It is irrational, and more of an emotional overload than anything else.

The conference I'm at this week is at a conference center in a hotel that has a glass staircase leading up from the lobby to the conference center. First time I walked the stairway I swore over the stupid architects making my life bad.

And then something amazing happened.

Over the course of the 3 conference days here, I have grown to accept the glass floor. I no longer need to look up to keep the transparency out of my field of view. I no longer feel pangs of panic as I walk up or down the stairs.

This was inconceivable back in the day. Utterly unthinkable. But now? I am able to learn to deal with emotional and affective issues I have. Something has unlocked in my brain that makes new information actually take hold and stick around.

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