Monday, 24 June 2013

The outcast dips lower

My parents are older; they had me in their forties. I am in my mid twenties. Many of their cousins are now passing, and recently (maybe last year?) my aunt on my father's side. The notion of aging and disease has been common in our conversations for a good couple years. I am not numb to it, but it just is what it is. This is not to say I don't think aging concerns or even death related notions in terms of getting older are not valid. They are. They are just different than spontaneous death occurrences. 

This is what I mean: I was online and came across a name of a guy who went to grade school with me. He had died last year. At first the name sounded familiar, but it wasn't until I saw the pictures that I remembered who he was. I read through a whole page dedicated to memories from family and friends, and I felt strange.

I would not describe me as suicidal the last couple of days, but recurring urges to hurt myself or to kill myself would float on by like those planes with messages trailing from behind. The thoughts/urges would of course be out of sight soon enough. More of an annoyance than anything. Today's thoughts are different: I should have died and not him. I don't have anyone who loves me as much as him. I did not touch that many lives. I should overdose. 

As I write these things, I can't help but go through my skill check list: 

  • What happened to trigger these thoughts? 
  • What was I feeling emotionally?
  • What was I feeling physically? 
What happened is I tried to reach out to my once closest friend (again) who has been avoiding me because I have been so difficult to deal with. This friend did not get back to me. I felt angry. I felt stiffness in my shoulders.

I didn't at first understand why I wrote I don't have anyone who loves me as much as him. But reflecting on my answers to my skill questions, I feel like it's obvious I am feeling rejected in some sort of way. And not just by my friend. But my family. By acquaintances. 

I feel like I don't quite fit anywhere. I am in transition from going to one university to another university to begin my PhD. It's a really big deal. I am scared. When things get tough, and my mood is low, I can't help but think of escaping. But at the very least, I can sit down and identify my sources of frustration and suicidal thinking. 


  1. Well done identifying what is going on.

    But I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

    I often read posts here (by everyone) and want to say something but I don't know what to say. I don't want to say something like "it's ok" because it's not. I don't want to give advice because usually I don't have advice and even if I do I'm not trained to give it so it could be wrong. Even if it was right it might not be wanted.

    I can think of one thing to say. You feel like you don't fit in anywhere but you do fit in here.

  2. Hugs sent over the airwaves. I related to a lot of what you wrote. What helps me is acknowledging that it's sometimes my perception of things. I don't think anyone can really know the impact they have on the people around them. It makes it easy to feel as you do, that no-one will care or miss you when you're gone.

    But in the posts that you've been writing you've taught me a little of what your world is like. And thus had an impact on me.

    I feel like I'm rooting for you to feel better soon. But even if you don't, please continue to express yourself here. I know I would miss your posts if they were no longer there.

    Again, lots of hugs

  3. I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling so rejected. I don't know you or your circumstances, but I can certainly identify with your feelings. What's helped me when I have felt so low is knowing that my life can serve a higher purpose by using it to glorify God. Even when I feel powerless or insignificant, God can do so much through me that I cannot do alone.

    You are going to need a lot of support as you tackle your PhD. My church family was a huge blessing for me when I was doing it. Hang in there!

  4. Thanks to all who have replied.. Ian, it's funny how we don't realize we have a community sometimes, but you're right: I do fit in here. Thanks for the reminder. Chantal, those are kind words. It made me feel really good to know I've had some impact on here :) Finally, Frank, when I move to my new University I will be more involved with communities of personal/spiritual development. I've already been making connections in that area.


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