Saturday, 1 June 2013

The process

Note: Hopefully this is not too scattered. I tried writing this out earlier but due to a Klonopin fog, I became confused. Also, the opinions I have about medication usage are mine and mine alone. I respect your views if you respect mine.

May 2013 (yes, I know the month and year, but maybe not the exact date ha)

Victory moods don't last long. It turns to absolute suckage. Sucakge meaning stigma in my own circle of f. I have been documenting my mental health. On recordings. On notes, receipts, folders. I forget you see. I forget everything I say and don't say. Actions too. Not impulsive ones but movements. I've been moving slow. It takes a good deal of time to write this NOT just because of the klonipin.

I am termed "hyper verbal" "hyper observant" YET and there's always a yet, I am not aware. I am confused, scared....  The partial hospital care I am going to now knows I am doing well because:

1. I am high functioning
2. I can spell world backwards (in an amount of time) -- mostly a joke about this being why I am in partial care and NOT a hospital hospital (Note: there is nothing wrong with a hospital, only not for me at this time)
3. I can recite my medications like nobody's business
5. The higher anti anxiety meds help.
6. I am lowering (doctor's orders) my antidepressant--- This causes mania in me. I am coming out again as a manic-depressive. But manic right now.

Anyhow, some other observations/comments/helpful tid bits:

1. I check with my f & f. I ask "Did I just tell you that?"
2.  The partial care program is great. The doctor is fantastic super fabulous. She is lowering my antidepressant-- because I am too hyper/wound up.
3. Pets are great!
4. Art therapy is great except for when they want to stunt my artistic ability (I use to draw dinosaurs in  grade school)-- person might have been surprised by my art, not because it was great or anything but because it had literary references and said I am not schizo on it or something to that affect. I don't know if I have schizo. I do write a lot and in circles. Memory is returning!
5. Alpha-stim has helped me tremendously: with anxiety, depression, mixed states. I have it on all the time because it is safe to do so. Fine motor skills are coming back too. So is relaxation.

May 30, 2013 (I know the date, the Klon-fog has cleared)

I was admitted into a partial hospitalization program last week due to extreme anxiety, social phobia, paranoia and bursts of panic attacks. Ironically, my note on my art piece about not being schizo might not be entirely accurate; I have acquired a new illness apparently......

Schizoaffective bipolar. 

The result of this partial hospitalization was no one's fault. Not mine--though I sometimes believe that. Just a series of unfortunate occurrences. My usual pscyh doctor was not available over the weekend (which one I don't know). So I became worried and scared. I called everyone. And I mean every mental health resource center until I landed at a prestigious center in 2, and it was awful. I mean stressful, intense, nerve-wracking. For the first time in my life, I did not want to be in a hospital. In the past, hospitals were my safe places. But this time, they did not understand when I told them about my hard-to-find veins and my tardive dyskinesia on my left side so of course, I freaked out when they poked and could not find my vein in my left arm. Needless to say, they released me on the condition I would take Klonopin to "kick out" the mania and they upped my mood stabilizer. The one doctor was amazing and very understanding of my concerns about the hospital, too.

I am not against medication. In fact, I think medication can be an effective treatment. But I also think there are other alternatives that we should consider for our mental health care. I will address this when I am less tired.

The last moments of May 2013 & the start of June

There is more to tell, more to share. But I can say this: The depakote increase (back to my original dosage before a trip to Country Y) is hm, interesting. Doc says it will take four days to be back to my stable self since the other meds did not pull through. What I think? Can I have an opinion Expert Doctors?

I think medications are covering up something. Now this could very well be the paranoia. But there is something to memory loss. I am just beginning to figure it out.

The process: therapy. Therapy in every sense of the word. I am trying my hardest to do every possible thing for myself. CBT (with a DBT concentration). Sunshine. Exercise. Nourishing Food. Sleep regulation (no naps). Connecting to self and others (in safe and harmonious ways).

It is past May now. It is a new day. If the etymology of June is correct, if I believe in those signs (which I do and don't) -- then I can say this: I have a chance to be young again. To believe in the possibilities. To be my own version of a goddess.

I do have hope. Thank you so much for reading.


  1. Thanks! Each day gets a little better. I am making a list right now. And I will be structuring my day in a healthy way. How's the med change going? Sleeping well? :)

    Also, I have to documentaries (?) that I would like to add to the resource list. They are video compilations of:

    1. Mental illness and Schizophrenia
    2. Bipolar disorder

    I haven't watched them yet though! In due time, when I figure out my schedule. But they sound really neat. I will keep you all updated of course!

    Since I can't figure out how to upload a picture of the series. It's called Healthy Body, Healthy Mind (the TV series). '115' is a number at the bottom of the cover of the disc.... important? Oh, and it's from Public Television. Score! (got it from a local library-- double score, haha)

    1. You should be able to edit the resource list directly yourself, I guess? If not, send me the links by email and I'll make sure they show up there.

      My sleep patterns are slowly morphing again. I can stay awake all the way to 11pm if I really try; and I'm no longer hopelessly awake at 6am. S, of course, has now adapted too much to my sleep issues, and is always tired. :-/

    2. Just realizing this comment now! I will check out how to edit the resources. Or send you a email. Lots to share as always.

      Sleep is so tricky. Now I am not a doctor but melatonin has helped me a lot. And helped my family (without diagnoses) sleep better too. Maybe you and S might want to look into it?

  2. "Sunshine. Exercise. Nourishing Food. Sleep regulation (no naps). Connecting to self and others (in safe and harmonious ways)."

    I also find these things help me, but not the exercise... I still can't seem motivated to do it. How hard do you find it to resist napping? My sleep regulation is patchy, but currently not too much of a problem... sometimes it leads to low mood for me.

    "It is past May now. It is a new day. If the etymology of June is correct, if I believe in those signs (which I do and don't) -- then I can say this: I have a chance to be young again. To believe in the possibilities. To be my own version of a goddess."

    I love that you have ended on a hopeful mood... Hope it continues, and wish you all the best!

    1. So wait, when you do exercise do you not feel the endorphins pumping and cheering you up? I use to be a major workout nut when I was off medications as an undergraduate. It really curbed some difficult emotions. But when depressed, it's near impossible for me to get motivated and out and about.

      Nap resistance can be really contingent on my moods. If I am depressed I sleep through out the day for weeks on end, with waking up to perform my basic personal and work tasks. Right now though, I am just listening to my body and what worked for me in the past when I was stable. So this means getting to bed early. And distracting myself with tea or something else.

      Again, as a suggested above, melatonin-- a wonderful sleep regulator which was recommended to me by my own Psych Doc helps regulate those irregular cycles. But if you have to nap, do it. But I know a depressive friend of mine does either 30 minutes or 1 hour 30 minutes-- for some reason or another, having to do with REM I believe.

      Leaving on positive notes might be the literary background, too. Ha. But seriously, I think it's so important to really reflect and 'fake' those emotions until one feels them entirely. Yesterday, I used my smile muscles in the morning. I was stressed, worried, angry. But I immediately feel better when I smile. And if there is a child or an animal around who smiles back, even better!

    2. H Duuras, I tend to see exercise as something I'm not good at, therefore associated with bad feelings... never got to endorphin stage. Plus, get discouraged easily, so when I start with good intentions, I quickly get frustrated about my lack of progress. Now, I've just given up trying.

      "But I immediately feel better when I smile."

      I think I understand what you're saying here. Act happy, and you will be, eventually. My partner tried this technique on me the other day, trying to get me to smile. I don't think I even managed a grimace at the time. Incidentally, the memory of it brings out a wry smile in me.

      I'd like to hear more about your literary background and if being creative helps deal with issues of the mind. I seem to have lost the art of being creative.

    3. Literature has helped and complicated issues of the mind. When I lost touch with reality, the fiction I was reading heavily influenced my perception of everything and everyone. Also, I find when I read, I kind of escape & withdraw, for better or worse. But creative expression, on the other hand, has done wonders, especially when I was in partial care. And it leaves me feeling connected. To something.

      So the project I am doing now is collaborative. I will make sure to update you all when the time is right. I did draw a lot when I was younger, but lost that skill until I finally took an art class as an undergraduate. Since I have TD, I keep trying to keep my hands and mind busy despite whether it looks like crap or not. Ah, back to the project, I am taking skills I am OK at: audio editing, video editing, etc and soon plan to work with an artist to create something.

      The same goes with exercise. If I feel like an odd one, I get a pal to do it with. I also enjoyed the solitude of running when I was younger and not a cigarette smoker because with running, there is no good or bad. You are only competing with yourself. So if you're like should I write something today?, make it a collective experience. Do telephone pictionary with your partner and a couple friends. Everyone writes a line, then you swap papers, people draw what they read, hide the line, new line, etc. This is good "team building" as well as a way to not get competitive with yourself about being good at something or not being good at something. Also, it's super funny at times.


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