Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Vignette: Oh, what a perfect day ...

Oops, missed out half the title.

Vignette: Oh, what a perfect day ... this should have been but wasn't

Today was a lovely day in Fife.  That's a very rare thing.  Really gorgeous day weather wise.   Lovely to sit outside.  

I didn't have to go to work.  I could work at home and didn't have that much to do. 

The other day I sent a draft paper to a very senior and highly respected colleague and today he said - among other things: "In my opinion everything is said in Thm13, which is sufficiently beautiful in itself :-)"   Yes, I'm boasting a wee bit here, but honestly there isn't much higher praise one could want from a colleague than to have your work described as beautiful. 

I got time to have a nap. It took a while but I found time to have a long run and that helps me physically and I think mentally. 

What a great day.   

Ha ha ha. 

I've been miserable all day.   I can't put my finger on why.   But the symptoms have been lots of negative thoughts (I am the worst person in the world, I want to kill myself), lots of internal or external swearwords at my poor performance in some area, getting more worried or upset than I should about external things that I should not be worrying about.  Just the usual kind of stuff. 

A few days ago my tablets ran out. Escitalopram. I had been slow to get them renewed (which is a trivial operation.)  Generally I have been doing well but not so much today.   But I think the correlation is less important than it sounds, except that failure to do the trivial task that was necessary is a bad sign. At least I went to get them renewed today so will be back on them soon.

Almost the only time I haven't been miserable today is when I was mentally composing this blog post on my run - but unfortunately that only took up a part of my run.

p.s. if you are new here, here's the link to where I explain that I don't want to kill myself even if I say I do to myself.   http://depressedacademics.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/i-dont-want-to-kill-myself.html


  1. Ian, thanks for posting this. The weather was lovely here too. But I felt something internally brewing as well.

    The thought I want to kill myself is one I often stumble on at doctor or therapy appointments for various reasons, some of which you describe in your other post.

    Now, is it a thought or sensations too? I guess maybe I am thinking of myself in the sense that I use to self-injure. About several times the past couple of days, I have thought I want to hurt myself. I can even feel the sensation of hurting myself. I don't. It's like I'll get distracted. I don't have a fancy mantra like you. But I just know and feel it's not worth it. But suicidal thinking (?)-- do you have visualizations too? Or is it just a constant bothering thought?

    In the anchoring post, I believe the link links to a mindfulness exercise of sorting thoughts, feelings, sensations into boxes in your head. I've also done guided meditation where there is a garbage bin or a locked safe--somewhere you can put your negative stuff into for a safer or more relaxed time.

    Mindfulness (or formalized meditation) can be difficult to do when depressed though. I found it a burden to even put my CD into my disc player. But after listening to audio versions online (even when I am feeling fine or multitasking) or on my phone, I have gotten into a pattern of doing these things automatically when in a distressed state.

    1. Oops, and I forgot to add: Boast away! Much better than I want to kill myself mentally cropping up all the time.

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