I've been a long time gone from Depressed Academics.
First I went on holiday. Then when I came back I was starting to work full time again, and for a couple of weeks that was not too busymaking, but with term about to start again I am starting to get busier.
Also we've been having a lot of work done on remodelling our house - which is of course a good thing (and yes, we are very lucky to have a nice house and be able to remodel it.) But it is surprisingly stressful even though so far everything has gone more smoothly than we could reasonably have expected.
So those are some of the reasons I've been away.
So hello again.
The last few days I've been feeling low.
It feels like a combination of a few things.
I travelled the last couple of days to give a talk, which in itself was a good thing, but as I get older I enjoy travelling less. I used to hate flying and be really scared of it. Now I am not so much, but I miss the family dreadfully and don't want to be away from them. I'm going away again on Sunday for a week, so the two together has made me feel bad - or at least it has let me feel miserable, since I guess it's myself making me feel bad.
I also have been feeling that I have not been doing as good a job as I should on my big project (recomputation.org). In fact I think this is objectively true, but that does not mean it should make me feel miserable.
And being so busy - partly because I now work full time - makes it harder to catch up and/or focus on one thing I need to focus on.
All of this means the last few days, maybe a week, I've been feeling miserable and my default state is negative. If I get in the flow - meaning maybe being in the middle of giving a talk, or concentrating on something - then I am fine. When I stop I go back to feeling bad.
I've been telling myself I want to kill myself over and over again, and I've forgotten how to do my SMBC trick. I'm too lazy even to put the links in to my earlier posts on those topics. (But summary: no, I don't want to kill myself.)