I haven't written much during the fall. Summer and early fall I felt like I wasn't doing all that bad. And as it's been picking up, I haven't gotten around to writing about it.
I had to turn down a conference session chairmanship last minute because I was being too depressed, asocial and anxiety-prone to handle it.
And this entire winter trip back home to Stockholm has been littered with anxiety attacks, mood breaks and blue swings.
Today, I've been feeling somewhat off most of the day, but kept it mostly together and had a great time when we were hosting people for christmas day lunch. Evening I still felt slightly off but had a good time watching The Hobbit with my wife.
I went to brush my teeth before going to bed, looked at myself in the mirror.
And was overwhelmed by a feeling that I was ugly. It came so suddenly and so strongly I didn't get around to reminding myself that Depression Lies To You. By the time I got to bed I was spiraling out of control, mood wise, and by the time I got in bed, I was crying in huge, sniffling, shaking, hulking sobs.
Because I thought I was ugly.
In spite of the observational evidence against it gathered from friends and family.
I never can understand just what will set me off. It never seems proportionate after I recover. Never seems sane.