Monday, 10 March 2014

Decisions, decisions, decisions

It's been almost two months since my last post. I did make the switch to Tegretol and am now completely off the Depakote. I would say the transition has been successful. No strange side effects. No major setbacks. Moreover, my mood has been fairly consistent.

Since taking a medical withdrawal, I kept in touch with my advisor from the University. In mid March, I will be coordinating with faculty and my doctors to get my documentation together for the readmission process. A couple months ago, the thought to return was scary and brought much stress. In order to sort my thoughts out on returning I took up a suggestion of a previous therapist to create a CBT grid listing the disadvantages and advantages of going back to my PhD versus not returning. I won't reproduce the whole list but this was kind of the gist:

Advantages of returning to my PhD:

  • Tuition covered plus stipend 
  • Support from doctor, therapist and program
  • Many opportunities I wouldn't otherwise have
  • Passionate about the field of study
  • Job opportunities
  • The possibility to travel and do research
  • Strong program and responsive and dedicated faculty

Disadvantages of returning:

  • PhD programs are high stress and have high expectations, which could be a strain on my health
  • Worry that I'm unprepared and/or made a bad first impression
  • Might have to go back on a higher dose of medications or even make a medication change
  • My current support won't be there
After writing up the list, I didn't look at it for sometime. Lately though, I've been reading and rereading it daily. Whereas there is a variety of advantages to going back, the core of the disadvantages centers around my health. I have never ever felt like my emotional dysregulation disabled me. It never felt like a crutch. Or something which held me back. But it's pretty obvious from looking at my list that my health concerns are a factor in whether or not I return to my PhD. 

It's crazy to think what this list might look like had I not had these health issues. But then again, I wouldn't have taken a medical withdrawal if it wasn't for my health. I could wonder what life would be like if it were only a little different but I don't think that kind of thinking would help my current situation much. For now, I'm clinging to my list. And taking it day by day.

1 comment:

  1. sorry i'm stranger and this is my first post of your blog, i read.
    your post made me remindeded Nike slogan "just do it". I love that slogan.
    I see you have more than only choice and thanks gods that you have not only way and only choice, the good things you have 2 choice.
    thus, when i in stituation like you, i'll get crazy too, yes that's true cause i don't really know what's perfect choice that i never fell sorry or hardly myself with that choice.
    Many people alway think " the miss choice, that is the best choice". My point here, whatever you choose, it's the best choice in this time.
    Don't so worry anythings will be fine like the way it's fine ^^
    Have you ever heard song :" Sorry seem a hardest word"
    it's just seem, it's not equal like math or logical cause in that time that choice is perfect ^^


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