Tuesday, 27 May 2014

A Depressing Reminder That I'm Doing Well

I seem to have had an energy transplant lately.   I don't know who's got mine but I hope they are enjoying it.

That's a slightly longer term thing: doing more teaching than I am used to this semester (entirely reasonable amount by anybody's standards but first year back as full time from being half time for a decade.)   It seems that it's been hard to get the energy to contribute fully and get things done in the key areas I want to outside of teaching.

More recently I had a cold a couple of weeks ago and it seems to be taking me a while to recover.

Today there was a specific thing.

I have been miserable today.  I don't know why.   But I was miserable, was highly unenthusiastic at work.  Came home early and had a nap.   Had a box of Maltesers I had been saving for a moment such as this.   Did have the sense to go for a run as it might cheer me up.   But the run had to be bailed on 4/10 of the way out and walked home.   Had a comfort food supper.  Had a bath.

I try hard to use a word like "dispiriting" when I'm not talking about the medical type of depression.  But this was literally a depressing day.  

But the reminder that I'm doing well is that this is news.   I don't feel happy all the time but I've had months, maybe the odd year, where every day has been like this.  For the last year or two a day like this has been news, so that is nice.

I still regularly say to myself I want to kill myself, but I don't really as I've covered before.  But I guess I can't stop myself saying even here that everything is not perfect even though I've been doing well.  But yes I am doing well.


  1. Mental breakdown is mostly used to describe people who are undergoing mental sickness like depression or anxiety. In the olden days, this disorder was known as melancholia, vapors, neuralgic disease, neurasthenia and prostration.

  2. In general, depression is caused by a mixture of ‘pressure’ or ‘strain’, which can be mild or severe, combined with a vulnerability or predisposition to depression, which, too, can range from mild to severe. For psychotic or melancholic depression, physical and biological factors are generally more relevant. By contrast, for non?melancholic depression, the role of personality and stressful life events are generally far more relevant.


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