It struck again. It's been a while, but I guess that with my moving, the stress of all the conferences ahead of me and the long-ish absence from Susanne all contribute.
All of a sudden I was lonely. Apathetic. Felt abandoned. Felt excluded. Felt worthless.
Only: I was with many many friends. In a bar. For the vastly popular regular bar hangout that I have been organizing all year. And still, I just fade away. My attention drops off. My feelings of engagement, of presence, just drop away. Fade away until nothing exists but me and the pattern in the veins of the wood floor.
My friends being friends, of course, notice after a little while and want to know what they can do. What I need. What I want. How they can help.
I have nothing. I don't know. I'm already … gone. If I knew something that worked, I could have asked for it, want to think I would have asked for it earlier. But I have no idea.
Eventually I packed myself up. Bid everyone a good night. Assured them over and again that I would be fine walking home on my own. That nothing would happen to me. And walked off.
Halfway home, there was a pretty view out from campus. Rolling hills in the distance, fading into the clouds. I stopped. Pulled out my drawing kit (I have a new hobby, a new obsession…) and made a colored sketch. Meditative. Stopped the ugliness, the spiraling, the hopelessness.