Friday, 30 May 2014

[Vignette] Alone in a crowd

It struck again. It's been a while, but I guess that with my moving, the stress of all the conferences ahead of me and the long-ish absence from Susanne all contribute.

All of a sudden I was lonely. Apathetic. Felt abandoned. Felt excluded. Felt worthless.
Only: I was with many many friends. In a bar. For the vastly popular regular bar hangout that I have been organizing all year. And still, I just fade away. My attention drops off. My feelings of engagement, of presence, just drop away. Fade away until nothing exists but me and the pattern in the veins of the wood floor.

My friends being friends, of course, notice after a little while and want to know what they can do. What I need. What I want. How they can help.
I have nothing. I don't know. I'm already … gone. If I knew something that worked, I could have asked for it, want to think I would have asked for it earlier. But I have no idea.

Eventually I packed myself up. Bid everyone a good night. Assured them over and again that I would be fine walking home on my own. That nothing would happen to me. And walked off.

Halfway home, there was a pretty view out from campus. Rolling hills in the distance, fading into the clouds. I stopped. Pulled out my drawing kit (I have a new hobby, a new obsession…) and made a colored sketch. Meditative. Stopped the ugliness, the spiraling, the hopelessness.

1 comment:

  1. Depression is a complicated illness. Depression is a disease that can linger and progress for months and years without detection . It's known that some 15 million people in America will be impacted by some type of depression each year. 2/3 of these people, according to estimates, won't seek treatment. Often the sufferers don't even know they're sick. Every day stress is common in the modern world. It has become harder and harder to deal with the every day obstacles of life. Many families are surviving week to week. Trouble in the economy has made it more difficult than ever to keep a good job. Stress can give birth to depression.


Comment policy:
We reserve the right to edit all comments. In particular, we will not tolerate phobic content (race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, nationality, religion, mental health status, etc.) nor personal attacks or threats toward another commenter, significantly off-topic, or is an obvious trolling attempt.