Thursday, 16 October 2014

Evaluating differences

I can tell that I behave differently now from a year ago, or a couple of years ago. Different in several ways — some obviously good, some possibly bad.

Unnerving, though, are the differences that I find myself unable to evaluate.

I've been fretting a little bit lately over my own work productivity and focus. Nobody is complaining, far from it — but I notice how my roles in my collaborative projects are shifting around. I am doing far less of the project leadership I used to do: run far ahead and pull everyone else along by persistence, constant communication, and waves of work. I am being less focused, less productive, when I'm actually in the office, and doing less work when not in the office.

And here's the thing: I can't tell if this is good or not.

It's a difference, which unsettles me a bit.
It could be bad, could be a part of my depression, could be something I should work at breaking out of. Breaking out of the lethargy, act as if I don't feel it so that eventually my actions pull my mood with them.
It could also, just as validly from my own viewpoint, be a good thing. It could be that I finally manage to pull down my own self-expectations to something manageable, something that won't exhaust me utterly, something more on the size of what I can sustain happily and healthily.

But right now? I don't know, I really don't.


  1. I know this is something you probably don't want to hear, because it's an awful truth that I had to swallow, too, but:

    If you are this unhappy in your life, you should change your life. It's not YOU that's the problem. Really. It's probably more that you've been doing grinding, unrewarding, unfulfilling things in a vacuum for a very long time...

    1. …well…
      This sustained self-insulating grinding lethargic unease with everything pretty much vanished when I switched from SSRI/Wellbutrin to Lamictal.

      I'm going to chalk this one down to SSRI/Wellbutrin not being right for me.


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