Thursday, 7 May 2015

Miracle medication

It's been a while since I wrote about my current cocktail of chemicals; I've talked about the grinding feelings of numinous dread — they're mostly gone; I've talked about the nerd sniping of near hypomania — that's mostly gone as well.

I've had a few episodes with emotional crashes. Every single one directly connected to a clear and reasonable stimulus. Most of them the result of travel stress combined with sleep deprivation and jetlag.

I've had a few instances of emotions that I'm, frankly, not very used to. I've been angry, irritated, annoyed, and emotionally touched by movies and books.

And the amazing thing. The one thing that takes all this so very very far from anything I'm used to. It is that these emotions come, but they do not take over. S and I have been talking for decades now about how the end goal is to have emotions, and to be able to let them go. To be able to disagree without it leading to a meltdown. To be able to be angry, meet the anger — even express the anger — but staying in control of myself, my actions and my emotions.

I see a sharp border looking back between before and after I started on my current mix: on Lamictal and Wellbutrin.
Before, emotions were out of my control. After, my mind is my own.
Before, disagreements were catastrophes. After, we can disagree, and I can even be annoyed, and the world still goes on.

I am happy. I am sad. I am angry. I am content. I have a full range of human emotion.
But I have the emotions. They do not have me.
This must be what normal people — what neurotypicals — live like all the time.

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