We talk about how I’m doing now. Something has shifted but it’s quite hard to articulate what that is. I don’t feel as if a flash of insight has revealed to me some Great Truth about how to live my life. My life and my career are every bit as messy and precarious as they were before. I’d still think twice before describing myself as ‘happy’ (and if I were to stick my neck out and say it, I’d have to preface it with some hasty, rabbit-warren exposition of what I consider the word to mean and not mean – I am, after all, an academic). But it’s pretty clear that I’m not depressed either.
If I have to put words around what’s different, and Neil seems quite keen that I at least try, I’d say that I’ve developed a practice of talking to myself in a slightly kinder voice. That doesn’t really cover it but it’ll do.
“So where do you think we are with these sessions, Dorothy?”
“I think that we’ve reached some sort of conclusion.”
“Yes. That’s my sense too.”
That was four days ago. Today has (for various, rather dull, entirely unsurprising reasons) been my worst day in weeks if not months.
I suppose the interesting thing will be how I handle tomorrow.