The three difficulties; and self-esteem

I went out with friends tonight, mid-conference, to a pub I like here.

About three beers down, the conversation turned to mental health, and coping strategies, and related subjects. I started talking about my issues in the past, and present, and how I am now in the habit of consciously reminding myself that whatever my internal commentary track is telling me might not be the ground truth.

At this point, a (buddhist) good friend of mine interrupted me and told me about the Slogans of Lojong, and specifically about this one:

Train in the three difficulties

The first difficulty is to even see a neurosis for what it is. The second is to be able to deal with the neurosis, and the third is to deal permanently with the neurosis

(paraphrased from my friend's explanation)

He pointed out that my even being able to recognize my mood spirals for what they were, and able to try to tell myself to temper my trust in my intuitions based on my impression of my depression talking over my more sensible thoughts was already achieving the first of the Three Difficulties, and for him an ability well worth respect.

It is very helpful, at times, to be reminded that as far as I may feel I have yet to travel to some sort of sensible, workable, harmonious end-state in my relationship to my depression; where I am now is significantly further along than where I started.

 

Link: On Depression, and the Toll Academia Exacts

Jacqui Shine writes on depression in academia

Here's the thing, though: Graduate school doesn't make me depressed. Depression makes me depressed. 

Researcher Development assistance

http://www.theguardian.com/higher-education-network/blog/2014/mar/01/mental-health-issue-phd-research-university

The Guardian writes about mental health support system in universities for PhD students and academics; and the culture they need to overcome just to even reach the academics they could help.

On being the happiest person in the room.

I'm delighted to welcome a new contributor, Patch: I'm posting this but everything after this is written by Patch.

[Greetings. I'm Patch, a new contributor to this blog. Hope you enjoy my meaningless drivel. :)]

Often I am told that I appear incredibly happy, positive and optimistic. By often, I genuinely mean at least once a week. When I tell people that I am actually a clinically-diagnosed depressive with aspergers, anxiety and an eating disorder, the response is usually befuddlement.  “But you don't act depressed / anxious / socially awkward / etc! Surely it can't be that bad?” they exclaim, “You act happier than I do and there is nothing wrong with me!” they continue, shocked that someone with mental illness can appear to be as happy as a small child who has just discovered how to blow a raspberry. According to many of the people I converse with, having a psychiatric disorder makes me unable to feel joy, express delight or giggle with glee. They wonder what exactly my secret is. Weed? Copious amounts of alcohol? Mountains of prozac? Nope. I'm just good at finding things to be happy about.

Currently it's the fact that my Lush products arrived and they are making my flat smell absolutely delicious. It's the fact that the person who packed the products in the box wrote their name on the invoice with a love heart. It's a letter sent to me from a friend in the states. It's another friend promising to start a rock collection in my honour. It's my self stirring mug. It's the box of tissues I bought with a boat on the front. It's an email from my Geography tutor telling me not to worry that I couldn't get out of bed due to the flu because he also has it. It's my spotty duvet cover, my wind-up lego torch, my Thor figure, my replica of the ring of power, my mother sending me a picture of my dog, my hair defying gravity. It's the thought that someone has just read Harry Potter for the first time, that someone just laughed so hard they cried, that someone slipped on a banana skin and landed on their arse. The amusement of mishearing song lyrics, the fun of playing a videogame in a way that you don't normally do.  It's the little things, and finding humour in everything. I'm currently giggling because of the number of pills I have to take at the minute makes me sound like a maraca, and that is hilarious. It sucks that I need the pills, but there is a bright side.

It's a cliché for a reason, and it's not easy. Life does suck, and often I can't think of things that make me happy, but surrounding myself with things that did at one point can often be a helpful solution.

My flat is full of junk. Little knick-knacks that at one point made me smile and therefore might do it again. I have a small plastic figurine of Gandalf I bought on a whim. I have a lightsaber that doesn't light up but makes a great noise when opened to its full length. I have a box of teabags with googly eyes stuck to it – no reason, I just love googly eyes. On my worst days I will look at that box of tea, and no matter how bad I feel, how many new cuts I have on my arms, how much I want to jump into the north sea, I somehow manage to smile.

Preparing for the bad days on the good days is one of the best things you can do, and certainly one of the most useful things I have discovered in my 7 year long battle with mental illness. By planning for the worst and ensuring you have safe ways of improving your condition can save your life – it's definitely saved mine.

It's all the Neanderthal's fault...

"It's tempting to think that Neanderthals were already adapted to the non-African environment and provided this genetic benefit to (modern) humans," said Prof David Reich, from Harvard Medical School, co-author of the paper in Nature.

But other gene variants influenced human illnesses, such as type 2 diabetes, long-term depression, lupus, billiary cirrhosis - an autoimmune disease of the liver - and Crohn's disease. In the case of Crohn's, Neanderthals passed on different markers that increase and decrease the risk of disease.

Asked whether our ancient relatives actually suffered from these diseases too, or whether the mutations in question only affected the risk of illness when transplanted to a modern human genetic background, Mr Sankararaman said: "We don't have the fine knowledge of the genetics of Neanderthals to answer this," but added that further study of their genomes might shed light on this question.

Joshua Akey, from the University of Washington, an author of the Science publication, added: "Admixture happened relatively recently in evolutionary terms, so you wouldn't expect all the Neanderthal DNA to have been washed away by this point.

"I think what we're seeing to a large extent is the dying remains of this extinct genome as it is slowly purged from the human population."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-25944817

Good early fall, bad winter

My writing here dropped off late summer, early fall. I was feeling good, and I didn't have much to say on the blog.

My writing here has been low if not completely absent during the winter. But for completely opposite reasons to earlier on.

From about a week before I went back to Stockholm over christmas & new year's and through the entire trip back home I've been crashing out a lot. We're talking daily emotional crashes. I don't know why, and I didn't end up having quite enough time to go see my psychiatrist about my medication levels.

I have an ambition of getting in touch with the student's mental health clinic when I get back to Minneapolis. I should be doing more about my health than I am doing right now. But logistics seems to dictate I wait until this summer to see if tweaking my medication is needed.

Now (today) things are well; I'm jetlagged and headed into the largest conference I regularly attend at all for the entire rest of the week. But I'm keeping stable.

A less crazy New Year?

Happy New Year Depressed Academics,

I know it's only January, but I can feel in my bones that this year is going to be different. Maybe that's just optimism speaking, but really, I'm actually excited to see what this year brings.

A little update since my last post: My doc is swapping one of my old time mood stabilizers for a different one with less side effects and specifically, it has no weight gain side effects. Anytime I have a medication change, I feel uneasy. What if this medication isn't as effective? What if I feel worse? Would if I have to go back on the Depakote and my efforts amount to nothing? I had a week to think about whether I wanted to try this different medication, and I figured I might as well try it. I mean after all, a medication with less side effects is always going to appeal to me more than one with more.

The thing is the Depakote has always been a staple in my (most) stable med combo. Also, I have been on this medication before. It's called Tegretol and for me, it was a little less potent than the Depakote but I was also on it with a couple different meds than I am on now. So who knows! All I know is I am willing to try and if it doesn't work it out, so be it. I figure if I remain the same as I am now on the Tegretol and without the Depakote, I'll be content. If I crash, I know I am resilient and can always go back on the Depakote. My mum pointed out one outcome I didn't think of: Would if I actually feel even better than I do now? All I can do is marvel at that idea. We will see.

Now, onto this New Year business... I don't like the notion of New Year resolutions. It seems like a set up for failure or a trap to only plan your self-improvement projects for a once a year time frame. And that's silly to me. I am just telling myself to do what makes me feel good: restful sleep, exercise, healthy foods, routine. With those aspects in line, the rest will fall in place.

So maybe it will be a less crazy year. Maybe not. I still have to figure a lot of things out. I am aiming to complete my Masters thesis by March. Around that same time, I plan to notify of my potential return to my studies. It's really not a lot of time before March, and just thinking of these two things brings me stress! And then I simply remind myself to breathe and do only one thing at a time.