I was reminded, again, of how much this is a part of my illness today. Y'see, I was lunching with my mother — who used to trigger a fair number of emotional crashes herself. I mentioned to her that I started with anti-depressants, and that they have been mostly working well for me.
“I didn't even know you were having problems again.”That, apparently, is how far my independence has gone: my parents no longer cause my emotional crashes, they are among the people I hide my emotions from.
Instead, it is my wife who had to bear me crying inconsolably because I thought my dad might be annoyed at us coming late for the christmas party.
I wonder how wide-spread this is; the gradation of your affective problems by your context, the tendency to only ever be noticeably ill when among your very closest. It means that work takes a very small, if any, hit from my mood swings. But on the flip side, it means that my mood swings are utterly brutal on my closest and most intimate friends and family.
My wife has had to carry an incredible load through the years, and only through forming her own coping strategies have we been able to carry on even as I grow randomly sad, angry, irritated, afraid, and more often than not blame her because I cannot find anything else to blame for my mood.
As much of a hell as your depression is on you, it is hard on those who care about you.
Being unable to perceive their caring only makes a bad situation even worse.
I wish I could find a way to articulate these thoughts without fueling the guilt and anxiety some of you already feel. I do not think that I can. Try to remember that the ones you feel guilty about subjecting to your mood swings most likely care deeply about you and will help if they can only figure out how.