I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything at the moment. Be it housework, preparing PowerPoint presentations on my research, lesson planning or private study. I feel guilty about not doing those things. Yes they are all work-related activities and one might argue that the sunny warm weather we are currently having in the UK is a great aid to procrastination. However, I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything fun either. I don't actually know what I would find fun.
In fact I just feel like staring out of the window and mulling over my uselessness to the world.
I should apply for jobs. But I can't. I don't know what is stopping me other than a mental block. But I can't.
I don't think I have anything to offer anyone. I have some skills, but don't have confidence using them. They are skills that the world doesn't seem to want. I don't have skills that are wanted: drive and motivation, ability to market oneself.
Am I of any use to anyone? Is there a point in me existing? I know there are people in my life who value me. But it's the same way I know broccoli is green. I can't get excited or happy about it. Nor do I feel particularly loved or cherished.
That again makes me feel guilty for not being able to appreciate the love that family and friends can and do give me. Makes me feel I shouldn't exist again, that someone else could live my life better than I could.
These thoughts keep cycling around in my head. I don't think I'm depressed, because I can still function. Routine helps. I can still take pleasure in things (I think). But ultimately I feel like a failure. And that isn't going to change.
Now I'm going to have a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit (despite the diet I'm supposed to be on), and find something to organise. Sometimes the act of putting things in order helps distract me from my low mood. I'll do it when I can get the energy.
P.S. Can anyone else relate to this? How do you cope?