I do have to admit I feel more stable now that I am home. But sometimes I am just so overwhelmed by anger I can hardly breathe. Mostly about the medications I am on and the side effects I am experiencing from them. The thought to go off my medications crosses my mind several times a day. But I know that going off my medications abruptly would only bring more problems.
I know if I were to attempt to taper my medications again (with the help of a medical professional, of course), I would have to make major modifications to my lifestyle. And what about sustainability? Is it even possible for a person with a mood disorder to live medication free (or at the very least at low dosages)?
I hate my stable but blunted moods. I hate how hungry I am and how it seems like I can't stop eating. I even crave different and unhealthier foods. I sometimes can't even look at pictures of myself without grimacing because of how much weight I have gained. I dislike people asking about why my left hand moves so much (from the tardive dyskinesia).
The thing that bothers me most about medications is the fact that my symptoms are still there, sometimes in full throttle. And then the additional coping I have to do with the side effects.
Instead of feeling empowered by medications, instead of feeling like I have a greater grasp on my emotions, I feel dependent, discouraged, disappointed.