I can tell that I behave differently now from a year ago, or a couple of years ago. Different in several ways — some obviously good, some possibly bad.
Unnerving, though, are the differences that I find myself unable to evaluate.
I've been fretting a little bit lately over my own work productivity and focus. Nobody is complaining, far from it — but I notice how my roles in my collaborative projects are shifting around. I am doing far less of the project leadership I used to do: run far ahead and pull everyone else along by persistence, constant communication, and waves of work. I am being less focused, less productive, when I'm actually in the office, and doing less work when not in the office.
And here's the thing: I can't tell if this is good or not.
It's a difference, which unsettles me a bit.
It could be bad, could be a part of my depression, could be something I should work at breaking out of. Breaking out of the lethargy, act as if I don't feel it so that eventually my actions pull my mood with them.
It could also, just as validly from my own viewpoint, be a good thing. It could be that I finally manage to pull down my own self-expectations to something manageable, something that won't exhaust me utterly, something more on the size of what I can sustain happily and healthily.
But right now? I don't know, I really don't.