The process

Note: Hopefully this is not too scattered. I tried writing this out earlier but due to a Klonopin fog, I became confused. Also, the opinions I have about medication usage are mine and mine alone. I respect your views if you respect mine.

May 2013 (yes, I know the month and year, but maybe not the exact date ha)

Victory moods don't last long. It turns to absolute suckage. Sucakge meaning stigma in my own circle of f. I have been documenting my mental health. On recordings. On notes, receipts, folders. I forget you see. I forget everything I say and don't say. Actions too. Not impulsive ones but movements. I've been moving slow. It takes a good deal of time to write this NOT just because of the klonipin.

I am termed "hyper verbal" "hyper observant" YET and there's always a yet, I am not aware. I am confused, scared....  The partial hospital care I am going to now knows I am doing well because:

1. I am high functioning
2. I can spell world backwards (in an amount of time) -- mostly a joke about this being why I am in partial care and NOT a hospital hospital (Note: there is nothing wrong with a hospital, only not for me at this time)
3. I can recite my medications like nobody's business
5. The higher anti anxiety meds help.
6. I am lowering (doctor's orders) my antidepressant--- This causes mania in me. I am coming out again as a manic-depressive. But manic right now.

Anyhow, some other observations/comments/helpful tid bits:

1. I check with my f & f. I ask "Did I just tell you that?"
2.  The partial care program is great. The doctor is fantastic super fabulous. She is lowering my antidepressant-- because I am too hyper/wound up.
3. Pets are great!
4. Art therapy is great except for when they want to stunt my artistic ability (I use to draw dinosaurs in  grade school)-- person might have been surprised by my art, not because it was great or anything but because it had literary references and said I am not schizo on it or something to that affect. I don't know if I have schizo. I do write a lot and in circles. Memory is returning!
5. Alpha-stim has helped me tremendously: with anxiety, depression, mixed states. I have it on all the time because it is safe to do so. Fine motor skills are coming back too. So is relaxation.

May 30, 2013 (I know the date, the Klon-fog has cleared)

I was admitted into a partial hospitalization program last week due to extreme anxiety, social phobia, paranoia and bursts of panic attacks. Ironically, my note on my art piece about not being schizo might not be entirely accurate; I have acquired a new illness apparently......

Schizoaffective bipolar. 

The result of this partial hospitalization was no one's fault. Not mine--though I sometimes believe that. Just a series of unfortunate occurrences. My usual pscyh doctor was not available over the weekend (which one I don't know). So I became worried and scared. I called everyone. And I mean every mental health resource center until I landed at a prestigious center in 2, and it was awful. I mean stressful, intense, nerve-wracking. For the first time in my life, I did not want to be in a hospital. In the past, hospitals were my safe places. But this time, they did not understand when I told them about my hard-to-find veins and my tardive dyskinesia on my left side so of course, I freaked out when they poked and could not find my vein in my left arm. Needless to say, they released me on the condition I would take Klonopin to "kick out" the mania and they upped my mood stabilizer. The one doctor was amazing and very understanding of my concerns about the hospital, too.

I am not against medication. In fact, I think medication can be an effective treatment. But I also think there are other alternatives that we should consider for our mental health care. I will address this when I am less tired.

The last moments of May 2013 & the start of June

There is more to tell, more to share. But I can say this: The depakote increase (back to my original dosage before a trip to Country Y) is hm, interesting. Doc says it will take four days to be back to my stable self since the other meds did not pull through. What I think? Can I have an opinion Expert Doctors?

I think medications are covering up something. Now this could very well be the paranoia. But there is something to memory loss. I am just beginning to figure it out.

The process: therapy. Therapy in every sense of the word. I am trying my hardest to do every possible thing for myself. CBT (with a DBT concentration). Sunshine. Exercise. Nourishing Food. Sleep regulation (no naps). Connecting to self and others (in safe and harmonious ways).

It is past May now. It is a new day. If the etymology of June is correct, if I believe in those signs (which I do and don't) -- then I can say this: I have a chance to be young again. To believe in the possibilities. To be my own version of a goddess.

I do have hope. Thank you so much for reading.