Academia with anxiety disorder

The amazing «The Professor Is In» just linked this:
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2013/07/living_with_anxiety_and_panic_attacks_academia_needs_to_accommodate_mental.html
A Slate article on living and working with anxiety disorder in academia.

Vignette: frozen grin anxiety

Last weekend I had an anxiety attack. It came out of the blue and struck like a hammer blow.

We'd already gone to bed, when suddenly I start imagining that S doesn't want to as much as touch me. This happens a lot when I crash out. So I nudge away, and then my emotions just go into free fall. Horrified with myself and the audacity of daring to stay in the same bed as S, I sneak out. I sit down on the floor, trying to collect myself. I eat a banana because I realize, intellectually, that this might all just be blood sugar. And I take care of putting more clothes in our hampers, so it's all ready for the laundry early next morning.

Through all of this, I feel a fuzzy, ill-defined utter terror. I feel a deep and consuming despair. It gets strong enough that I can feel my face contracting into a grinning rictus of horror. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so bad.

I sit there for quite some time. 10 minutes maybe. Maybe 15. Then suddenly, as if a light switch was flipped, my face relaxes, my whole body relaxes, and I am able to move again. I go back to bed, sit on the edge. S stirs, asks me how I am.

And I explode into hulking sobs. It takes me several minutes to even get any words out.

This one was scary.

On my facebook today

Nothing is appealing.
Nothing is appetizing.
Nothing is attractive.
Nothing I do works.
Nothing I do is a good idea.
Interacting with colleagues is terrifying.
Interacting with cashiers is terrifying.
Other people are terrifying.

Unmotivated --> guilty --> useless --> sad

I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything at the moment. Be it housework, preparing PowerPoint presentations on my research, lesson planning or private study. I feel guilty about not doing those things. Yes they are all work-related activities and one might argue that the sunny warm weather we are currently having in the UK is a great aid to procrastination. However, I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything fun either. I don't actually know what I would find fun.

In fact I just feel like staring out of the window and mulling over my uselessness to the world.

I should apply for jobs. But I can't. I don't know what is stopping me other than a mental block. But I can't.

I don't think I have anything to offer anyone. I have some skills, but don't have confidence using them. They are skills that the world doesn't seem to want. I don't have skills that are wanted: drive and motivation, ability to market oneself.

Am I of any use to anyone? Is there a point in me existing? I know there are people in my life who value me. But it's the same way I know broccoli is green. I can't get excited or happy about it. Nor do I feel particularly loved or cherished.

That again makes me feel guilty for not being able to appreciate the love that family and friends can and do give me. Makes me feel I shouldn't exist again, that someone else could live my life better than I could.

These thoughts keep cycling around in my head. I don't think I'm depressed, because I can still function. Routine helps. I can still take pleasure in things (I think). But ultimately I feel like a failure. And that isn't going to change.

...

Now I'm going to have a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit (despite the diet I'm supposed to be on), and find something to organise. Sometimes the act of putting things in order helps distract me from my low mood. I'll do it when I can get the energy.

P.S. Can anyone else relate to this? How do you cope?

"I need to..."

Again I posted this after the event. Hope it's of interest.

I'm not sure why I'm writing today. Hoping it will be a cathartic experience, and that I'll feel better as a result.
My trigger for this low period, has cme about to a lack of sleep, hormones and not much 'do nothing' time.

I just cut short a driving lesson wasting something like £22. Felt too shaky and not able to concentrate for the full lesson. It would end in more mistakes, and I would just feel even more useless.

I'm contemplating cancelling my tutorial this afternoon. The thing that is stopping me doing that is my student needs to organise future tutorials with me in person, with her diary in front of her. Otherwise she forgets, and doesn't turn up, and I'm left waiting around. Maybe I'll just cut it short too... one hour instead of two.

I feel like it's a lack of progress that's making me feel bad. But it could also be too many demands, by too many people. My graduation day is coming up. The parents are coming down, but I don't know when exactly, or how long for. I need to book a hotel room for them. I also need to get organised for me: what to wear, hair, make-up etc... I'm also going abroad in August, and need to sort out visa and immunisations etc. Need to plan lessons. Need to study bookkeeping techniques some more. Need to book driving theory test, and study for it.Need to do some research for my volunteer organisation. I think I need to sort out an educational activity too for them.

Too many 'I need to's.

I need to sleep, and do nothing for a day. Then I need to do some organising around the house (my way of relaxing, is putting order to things). Then I need to do nothing for a day. Then I'll be ready to face the world again.

But that's more 'I need to's.

Today is a day I want to spend in my hole. Don't want to deal with people any more. End of.

Not the 100th post on Depressed Academics

I was looking at the blog page today and noticed that it was at 99 posts.   That made me wonder if we should do something for our 100th post.  Maybe some reflections by the various people who have posted.  Maybe a request for input from blog readers.  Except I couldn't ask the blog readers because ...well that would be our 100th post.

Then I realised that there are three posts in process of being written (or possibly forgotten about), so actually there are only 96 posts.  There will still be a couple more before the 100th - this is now the 97th.

So ... should we do anything special for our 100th post?  If you have any ideas please do comment - or if more private contact us by email.

If the answer is no that is fine by me.  Depression is not a topic to celebrate, so maybe having a 100 different things to say about it is not a thing to celebrate either.

Links: Stephen Fry, and Ambigrams

As with some other links, it's quite unlikely you won't have seen it.  But it's so good, here is Stephen Fry's wonderful piece "Only The Lonely."  Sample:

"I am luckier than many of you because I am lonely in a crowd of people who are mostly very nice to me and appear to be pleased to meet me. But I want you to know that you are not alone in your being alone."

In other news, a wonderful series of ads from Samaritans of Singapore.   They are ambigrams, reading differently the right way up and upside down.  I think I came across these from Doug Hofstadter many years ago, but they are by far the best use I've ever seen of them.  It perfectly illustrates the difference between what we say and we feel.

Depression Awareness Ad from Samaritans in Singapore