These ring true to me [link]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression

A collection of comics that capture the sense of depression from the inside. For me, they ring very true — I am worried of how many of these I recognize in myself.

Hello Again

I've been a long time gone from Depressed Academics.

First I went on holiday.  Then when I came back I was starting to work full time again, and for a couple of weeks that was not too busymaking, but with term about to start again I am starting to get busier.

Also we've been having a lot of work done on remodelling our house - which is of course a good thing (and yes, we are very lucky to have a nice house and be able to remodel it.)   But it is surprisingly stressful even though so far everything has gone more smoothly than we could reasonably have expected.

So those are some of the reasons I've been away.

So hello again.

The last few days I've been feeling low.

It feels like a combination of a few things.

I travelled the last couple of days to give a talk, which in itself was a good thing, but as I get older I enjoy travelling less.  I used to hate flying and be really scared of it.  Now I am not so much, but I miss the family dreadfully and don't want to be away from them.   I'm going away again on Sunday for a week, so the two together has made me feel bad - or at least it has let me feel miserable, since I guess it's myself making me feel bad.

I also have been feeling that I have not been doing as good a job as I should on my big project (recomputation.org).  In fact I think this is objectively true, but that does not mean it should make me feel miserable.

And being so busy - partly because I now work full time - makes it harder to catch up and/or focus on one thing I need to focus on.

All of this means the last few days, maybe a week, I've been feeling miserable and my default state is negative.  If I get in the flow - meaning maybe being in the middle of giving a talk, or concentrating on something - then I am fine.  When I stop I go back to feeling bad.

I've been telling myself I want to kill myself over and over again, and I've forgotten how to do my SMBC trick.  I'm too lazy even to put the links in to my earlier posts on those topics.  (But summary: no, I don't want to kill myself.)

Hello again.

Academia with anxiety disorder

The amazing «The Professor Is In» just linked this:
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2013/07/living_with_anxiety_and_panic_attacks_academia_needs_to_accommodate_mental.html
A Slate article on living and working with anxiety disorder in academia.

Vignette: frozen grin anxiety

Last weekend I had an anxiety attack. It came out of the blue and struck like a hammer blow.

We'd already gone to bed, when suddenly I start imagining that S doesn't want to as much as touch me. This happens a lot when I crash out. So I nudge away, and then my emotions just go into free fall. Horrified with myself and the audacity of daring to stay in the same bed as S, I sneak out. I sit down on the floor, trying to collect myself. I eat a banana because I realize, intellectually, that this might all just be blood sugar. And I take care of putting more clothes in our hampers, so it's all ready for the laundry early next morning.

Through all of this, I feel a fuzzy, ill-defined utter terror. I feel a deep and consuming despair. It gets strong enough that I can feel my face contracting into a grinning rictus of horror. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so bad.

I sit there for quite some time. 10 minutes maybe. Maybe 15. Then suddenly, as if a light switch was flipped, my face relaxes, my whole body relaxes, and I am able to move again. I go back to bed, sit on the edge. S stirs, asks me how I am.

And I explode into hulking sobs. It takes me several minutes to even get any words out.

This one was scary.

On my facebook today

Nothing is appealing.
Nothing is appetizing.
Nothing is attractive.
Nothing I do works.
Nothing I do is a good idea.
Interacting with colleagues is terrifying.
Interacting with cashiers is terrifying.
Other people are terrifying.

Unmotivated --> guilty --> useless --> sad

I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything at the moment. Be it housework, preparing PowerPoint presentations on my research, lesson planning or private study. I feel guilty about not doing those things. Yes they are all work-related activities and one might argue that the sunny warm weather we are currently having in the UK is a great aid to procrastination. However, I don't feel particularly motivated to do anything fun either. I don't actually know what I would find fun.

In fact I just feel like staring out of the window and mulling over my uselessness to the world.

I should apply for jobs. But I can't. I don't know what is stopping me other than a mental block. But I can't.

I don't think I have anything to offer anyone. I have some skills, but don't have confidence using them. They are skills that the world doesn't seem to want. I don't have skills that are wanted: drive and motivation, ability to market oneself.

Am I of any use to anyone? Is there a point in me existing? I know there are people in my life who value me. But it's the same way I know broccoli is green. I can't get excited or happy about it. Nor do I feel particularly loved or cherished.

That again makes me feel guilty for not being able to appreciate the love that family and friends can and do give me. Makes me feel I shouldn't exist again, that someone else could live my life better than I could.

These thoughts keep cycling around in my head. I don't think I'm depressed, because I can still function. Routine helps. I can still take pleasure in things (I think). But ultimately I feel like a failure. And that isn't going to change.

...

Now I'm going to have a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit (despite the diet I'm supposed to be on), and find something to organise. Sometimes the act of putting things in order helps distract me from my low mood. I'll do it when I can get the energy.

P.S. Can anyone else relate to this? How do you cope?

"I need to..."

Again I posted this after the event. Hope it's of interest.

I'm not sure why I'm writing today. Hoping it will be a cathartic experience, and that I'll feel better as a result.
My trigger for this low period, has cme about to a lack of sleep, hormones and not much 'do nothing' time.

I just cut short a driving lesson wasting something like £22. Felt too shaky and not able to concentrate for the full lesson. It would end in more mistakes, and I would just feel even more useless.

I'm contemplating cancelling my tutorial this afternoon. The thing that is stopping me doing that is my student needs to organise future tutorials with me in person, with her diary in front of her. Otherwise she forgets, and doesn't turn up, and I'm left waiting around. Maybe I'll just cut it short too... one hour instead of two.

I feel like it's a lack of progress that's making me feel bad. But it could also be too many demands, by too many people. My graduation day is coming up. The parents are coming down, but I don't know when exactly, or how long for. I need to book a hotel room for them. I also need to get organised for me: what to wear, hair, make-up etc... I'm also going abroad in August, and need to sort out visa and immunisations etc. Need to plan lessons. Need to study bookkeeping techniques some more. Need to book driving theory test, and study for it.Need to do some research for my volunteer organisation. I think I need to sort out an educational activity too for them.

Too many 'I need to's.

I need to sleep, and do nothing for a day. Then I need to do some organising around the house (my way of relaxing, is putting order to things). Then I need to do nothing for a day. Then I'll be ready to face the world again.

But that's more 'I need to's.

Today is a day I want to spend in my hole. Don't want to deal with people any more. End of.