It's all the Neanderthal's fault...

"It's tempting to think that Neanderthals were already adapted to the non-African environment and provided this genetic benefit to (modern) humans," said Prof David Reich, from Harvard Medical School, co-author of the paper in Nature.

But other gene variants influenced human illnesses, such as type 2 diabetes, long-term depression, lupus, billiary cirrhosis - an autoimmune disease of the liver - and Crohn's disease. In the case of Crohn's, Neanderthals passed on different markers that increase and decrease the risk of disease.

Asked whether our ancient relatives actually suffered from these diseases too, or whether the mutations in question only affected the risk of illness when transplanted to a modern human genetic background, Mr Sankararaman said: "We don't have the fine knowledge of the genetics of Neanderthals to answer this," but added that further study of their genomes might shed light on this question.

Joshua Akey, from the University of Washington, an author of the Science publication, added: "Admixture happened relatively recently in evolutionary terms, so you wouldn't expect all the Neanderthal DNA to have been washed away by this point.

"I think what we're seeing to a large extent is the dying remains of this extinct genome as it is slowly purged from the human population."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-25944817

Good early fall, bad winter

My writing here dropped off late summer, early fall. I was feeling good, and I didn't have much to say on the blog.

My writing here has been low if not completely absent during the winter. But for completely opposite reasons to earlier on.

From about a week before I went back to Stockholm over christmas & new year's and through the entire trip back home I've been crashing out a lot. We're talking daily emotional crashes. I don't know why, and I didn't end up having quite enough time to go see my psychiatrist about my medication levels.

I have an ambition of getting in touch with the student's mental health clinic when I get back to Minneapolis. I should be doing more about my health than I am doing right now. But logistics seems to dictate I wait until this summer to see if tweaking my medication is needed.

Now (today) things are well; I'm jetlagged and headed into the largest conference I regularly attend at all for the entire rest of the week. But I'm keeping stable.

A less crazy New Year?

Happy New Year Depressed Academics,

I know it's only January, but I can feel in my bones that this year is going to be different. Maybe that's just optimism speaking, but really, I'm actually excited to see what this year brings.

A little update since my last post: My doc is swapping one of my old time mood stabilizers for a different one with less side effects and specifically, it has no weight gain side effects. Anytime I have a medication change, I feel uneasy. What if this medication isn't as effective? What if I feel worse? Would if I have to go back on the Depakote and my efforts amount to nothing? I had a week to think about whether I wanted to try this different medication, and I figured I might as well try it. I mean after all, a medication with less side effects is always going to appeal to me more than one with more.

The thing is the Depakote has always been a staple in my (most) stable med combo. Also, I have been on this medication before. It's called Tegretol and for me, it was a little less potent than the Depakote but I was also on it with a couple different meds than I am on now. So who knows! All I know is I am willing to try and if it doesn't work it out, so be it. I figure if I remain the same as I am now on the Tegretol and without the Depakote, I'll be content. If I crash, I know I am resilient and can always go back on the Depakote. My mum pointed out one outcome I didn't think of: Would if I actually feel even better than I do now? All I can do is marvel at that idea. We will see.

Now, onto this New Year business... I don't like the notion of New Year resolutions. It seems like a set up for failure or a trap to only plan your self-improvement projects for a once a year time frame. And that's silly to me. I am just telling myself to do what makes me feel good: restful sleep, exercise, healthy foods, routine. With those aspects in line, the rest will fall in place.

So maybe it will be a less crazy year. Maybe not. I still have to figure a lot of things out. I am aiming to complete my Masters thesis by March. Around that same time, I plan to notify of my potential return to my studies. It's really not a lot of time before March, and just thinking of these two things brings me stress! And then I simply remind myself to breathe and do only one thing at a time.

Unexpected and way out of proportion

I haven't written much during the fall. Summer and early fall I felt like I wasn't doing all that bad. And as it's been picking up, I haven't gotten around to writing about it.

I had to turn down a conference session chairmanship last minute because I was being too depressed, asocial and anxiety-prone to handle it.

And this entire winter trip back home to Stockholm has been littered with anxiety attacks, mood breaks and blue swings.

Today, I've been feeling somewhat off most of the day, but kept it mostly together and had a great time when we were hosting people for christmas day lunch. Evening I still felt slightly off but had a good time watching The Hobbit with my wife.

I went to brush my teeth before going to bed, looked at myself in the mirror.

And was overwhelmed by a feeling that I was ugly. It came so suddenly and so strongly I didn't get around to reminding myself that Depression Lies To You. By the time I got to bed I was spiraling out of control, mood wise, and by the time I got in bed, I was crying in huge, sniffling, shaking, hulking sobs.

Because I thought I was ugly.
In spite of the observational evidence against it gathered from friends and family.

I never can understand just what will set me off. It never seems proportionate after I recover. Never seems sane.

I am so borderline!: On symptoms, diagnoses and feeling all sorts of crazy

Not this week. But the two weeks before, I was struggling with excess sleep and lethargy to the point it was becoming problematic. I wasn't accomplishing anything because I was pretty much glued to my bed. When I did wake up, it was to eat or use the bathroom. On particularly hard days, I would cry. My neediness doubled last week and made a friend frustrated with me again. At the time, I didn't understand why he was frustrated because I was in "so much pain". So it didn't make sense that he was upset over me constantly calling and texting.

I usually focus on symptoms when talking about myself, but I am pretty sure the thought in my head last week was constantly: "I am so borderline!" Though borderline personality disorder has only been applied to me by my long-time therapist (psych docs usually stick with bipolar), I couldn't help imagine a picture of my face slapped right next to the description in the DSM. I could probably have ticked off each and every symptom listed for the disorder, however, I'll just briefly recap the most troubling for me.

• First, I was having very abrupt mood swings. Though my general mood was down, I was also cycling rather quickly. I would have very intense bursts of depression and anger for the most part. Only once did I feel an elevated mood: great clarity, concentration and focus. My anger got me into verbal fights at least twice with my family (who I live with now).
• I felt an extreme sense of loneliness. At night, I would almost work myself into a panic attack at the thought of being alone. When my friend I mentioned earlier became frustrated with me and sought to end the telephone conversation with me, I would employ tactics for him to remain on the line. I alternated between idealizing and devaluing him. 
• Thoughts of self-injury and suicidal ideation present. Enough said. (No actual acting on these thoughts, however)

I feel like I expended my friends and family's patience for me. I was (and truthfully still am) disgusted by myself. I kind of/sort of hate myself. And mind you, I am feeling a lot better this week! 

Isn't there some expression about sunshine after rain? Well, I feel like it rained all sorts of emotions in my head the last two weeks. And my body took a beating too. Now, the sunshine is only a ray really. But I guess what I am saying is that I have some hope. And I am seeing things in a new light, to keep playing on expressions. 

So yes, I loathe myself but I also commend myself for still being here and trying. I look at all the possible scenarios that could have happened last week. I could have checked in the hospital. I could have hurt myself. Returning to idioms yet again, I could have hit rock bottom. Because it was a bad week. But what's interesting about all this is that this was by no means my worst state or "episode". It does seem like my resilience is in full force. 

I think it took those two rough weeks for me to relearn some things about myself. First, I am a stronger than I thought. Despite the funkiness of my moods, I was able to go out on my first substitute teaching assignment yesterday. It was chaotic and overwhelming, but I lasted the day. Second, neither my symptoms nor my diagnoses define me. I still have my values, my education being one of the forerunners. When depressed, I sometimes just don't care. About anything, including my values. In times like these, I have to remind myself to be patient. Feelings are temporary after all; values are consistent (for the most part).

So it's another time of transitions. The last time I wrote it was about my physical and lifestyle transitions. Now, it's more of an emotional realignment.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

I've been slow lately

I had an interesting experience last night.

The last few weeks I have found it very hard to be effective at work.  I have for example a bit of marking that might take an hour.  I think I should do it at the start of the day.  At about 11pm I do it for an hour until midnight.  Which is ok, except that I have done nothing else all day, or just maybe meetings, because the next thing to do is the marking and instead I facebook or find any other displacement activity.  So I've not relaxed all day, and worried, and not done anything.

The last couple of days I've taken a workaround, of not worrying and not trying to do the small thing until late. Not ideal in many ways but better than before.

But the really interesting thing was last night.  I went to order some things online for Christmas presents.  It just seemed ridiculously hard.  There was something which I could no longer get, so there was a minor difficulty.  But it just all seemed so hard.

So it seems like I have been having a tougher time all round than I expected.

At least it's a good time for a holiday to be rolling round.

Vignette: No Joy

I would not say I have been doing too well the last few weeks.  Had a bad week a couple of weeks ago.

A lot of the time I tell myself "I want to kill myself" and "I am the worst person in the world."  It's a mental tic, not reality. I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I am the worst person in the world.

Yesterday I realised towards the end of the day that I'd had no joy in the day.  Which was odd.  I realised that very often even when I'm miserable - unless I am really bad - I have moments of joy even if it's just sharing a good joke.  Yesterday I seemed to be just at a level where I wasn't deeply miserable all day, but nothing was good.

In the end I did think of some joy I'd had, so that was nice.