Sunday, 9 June 2013

I don't necessarily want to kill myself... I just want to become dead somehow.

Warning: this post will deal with suicide, or to be more precise suicidal thoughts.  If that worries you please don't read further.

The title of this post comes from "Depression Part 2", by Hyperbole and a Half.

I do have regular suicidal thoughts, but they seem almost trivial to me.  I regularly say to myself I want to kill myself.  On a good day I can beat it by catching the thoughts and rephrasing them.  On a very good day the thoughts don't occur at all.

I don't want to kill myself.  The thing is, I don't really mind that my brain tells me that I do want to kill myself.  It's an irritant to me.  Like some British people don't like the standard "have a nice day" phrase. That is a bit of an irritant to them, but it doesn't make them suicidal.  That is how I feel about "I want to kill myself".  It's annoying but it doesn't make me suicidal - at least in my own head.

One thing that becoming addicted to naps has helped me with is not being scared of dying.   I love so much drifting off, maybe listening to a nice audio book or podcast in a comfortable bed, that if death was like that I would not be unhappy about it.  But that doesn't mean I want to die.  Every single time I have a nap I want to wake up from it.

On the other hand, if I am having a nap as stress release from being miserable, I can find myself thinking how comforting it would be to have a gun I could point at my head.  Though, maybe oddly, I don't think about pulling the trigger.  Just the comfort of having it there.

I also don't think about means of killing myself.  In as much as I do think about killing myself, it is definitely about just not existing, not about killing myself.  Hence the post title.

Honestly, I feel like I am not suicidal, even though I might tell myself I want to kill myself a dozen or more times in a single day.  

116 comments:

  1. "I can find myself thinking how comforting it would be to have a gun I could point at my head"

    Coincidentally, I found myself thinking this last night for different reasons... just wanted to blow the bad thoughts out...

    I totally get not wanting to exist...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel the same way. I am 14 and nothing traumatic has happened to me in my life. I don't self harm or anything like that, but I am really upset with my parents that I was created and I'm upset with life in general. I think I am depressed (maybe bipolar depressed but thats another can of worms) but am not currently doing anything about it. This post seems a bit old but I completely relate to it and this was almost word for word what I typed into google. I don't want to kill myself at all though. I do well in school and look forward to college and things like that, but even with all that to look forward to, everything would be easier if I hadn't even been thought of. I don't have major issues in my life but nothing is just going right for me! I don't know what to do... but just thought I could share with someone. Sorry about your issues as well!

      Delete
    2. Hi Anonymous. I'm sorry to hear of your miserable feelings. I'm old enough to have children your age but I do remember that feeling of being annoyed at my parents ...

      I remember being unsure if I was looking forward to college or not but then I did enjoy it and get a lot out of it. And a big thing was meeting people who think like me.

      Thanks very much for sharing and for your sympathy.

      Delete
    3. I truely would have shot myself in the head at one point when I was 14. I am 40 now and have Borderline Personality Disorder which makes me wish I was dead everyday. Even on a great day, given the choice I would opt out of living. If I was diagnosed with cancer I would cry with joy and relief, the fact that I get to leave early and not have to face losing my parents, selfish as it might sound it's the truth how I feel when I'm not empty and numb. I believe in Jesus and heaven so I will never kill myself but looking forward to being in peace with God. This world surely isn't all there is! There is something better so I trust in that.

      Delete
    4. I feel as though my existence is worthless and I have thoughts of cutting myself so many times. the only thing stopping me is the fear of pain. I know it is stupid being this upset over rejection from school exchanges I apply for. it has happened a few times when I would be the only one being rejected out of all my friends. the reason for rejection is always largely unknown.I guess i just feel worthless because these kind of unlucky things only happen to me. They would accept me and after a few months a rejection would come and there wouldn't be a understandable reason. I also feel very apologetic for my mum because I know she feels excited for me as well. I'm sorry for rambling such useless thoughts. I hope your are well now.

      Delete
    5. Wishing I didn't exist is an everyday thing for me.feeling depressed self-hate anxiety...all destroying me for inside out everyday. I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up. Don't know who I am anymore ��

      Delete
    6. I'm glad I found something that could actuallying summarise what i'm feeling.

      I've got a comfy life. Live with my girlfriend. Have a dead end job. At some point i'm going back to university to finish my course. Good group of friends. On good terms with family.

      I just want death. I don't want to actively kill myself, but I do long for the sweet release of death. I hate my existence, I hate the world I live in. At the moment, there are two people that I know of who are fighting something that may eventually kill them quicker than average, and I would happily trade places with either of them.

      I don't know. Maybe living as an adult just isn't for me...

      Delete
  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't like myself. Nobody else even knows my name. I'm 33 and not well. I wish someone would of given me a choice in having to be born into this harsh cruel FUCKED world. I can't find anything here for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    2. God is with you and loves you just the way you are. You were created in his image. I hope you find peace.

      Delete
    3. I found myself thinking the exact same thing - no body is given a choice whether they want to be born or not, what if I didn't want to be

      Delete
    4. I'm a 14 year old fucking nobody no one knows me or gives a fuck I'd rather be dead because I'd be more than a fucking nobody

      Delete
  4. Dear Anonymous, I don't want to give you false reassurance. But I would say that - if you haven't done so already - it is worth seeking medical help. If you have, it's worth keeping at it, maybe trying something else. Try going to your doctor again. There is so little I know how to do. I know I can't really help, but I do hope you can find someone who can.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I dont want to kill myself, I couldn't stand what that would do to my young girls whom I love and who love me. But if someone were to do it for me I doubt atm I would begrudge them. There are so many choices to acheive death and all the times in my 42 years that I've decided it was the more logical option, I dont think it is my right to decide. No more than I could decide to kill someone else.

    It would be nice though to get through a day without that option popping up like the old 'word' paperclip everytime I consider my options on how to resolve a personal issue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could be me -or I could be you. Im a mum of two and 42, im medicated, im mammy, im wife, im working, im housekeeping, im smiling falsely at everybody and saying "im good", because who would need to hear my non-problems that i cant cope with.
      Every day when I cant think for the noise in my head of things that i need to work out or do, that thought pastes into my head. I actually dont think of it as being suicidal. I have thought on and off about how i would do it -I couldnt do anything, because somebody has to find me. Somebody has to deal with all the crap i would leave behind and as bad as i am for them on bad days. Doing "that" to two little girls would be so cruel. I love them and I know they love me. I will never act on the thought, i would devastate my husband, my parents my siblings, his. I love them and i know they love me. But its there regularly. I found this page by googling. Im having a horrible few days Im alone with the two girls. Husband is away working, school is out and we have no full time child-minder because that is something i am having extreme difficulty with sorting out. Ive taken holidays to mind them (a family member has been helping by minding them while I work but it is too much of a tie for them. I ran out of my meds two days ago but cant get to my Dr's for a new prescription until next week. I'm a disgrace in front of my girls -tearful, irritable and feeling so sick in my stomach. Ive put on a movie for them and resisted the temptation to just go to bed. Thats what i want to do. Ive been asked by psychiatric Dr's on more than one occasion if i have suicidal thoughts. I say no, for me the thought of wishing myself "gone" is as regular as that thought that you need to eat/drink/pee. Ive had it as long as i can remember and im still here. I do wonder about those souls who act though -are they different to me? Could something, someday just overwrite my "i wouldnt do that?" Did they think that too one time? The honesty on this page is a relief.

      Delete
    2. Hi. I feel the same. Im 38 and life was much simpler when we were young and care free. I wish i was dead but i couldnt kill myself. My young daughter loves and needs me, and i love her. Life is depressing and painful and i have ZERO support. I hate my life, i cant see it changing, its been like this for too long/years. I feel like a slave. I want to cut out the small things that numb me to the pain, i want to shut off to the world, i want to be worse so i can die. Something is stopping me though, but dont know what. I wish i could die in my sleep, maybe others could be happier then. 'me', Redruth, Cornwall, UK

      Delete
  6. Wow Twobit, what a great comment, it means so much. The clippy analogy is brilliant. But also the deeper points. I do hope you can find ways to moderate your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree wholeheartedly and it's nice to hear someone who feels the way I have felt. I'm not in that place at the moment (thanks to a bunch of meds), but I do understand what it's like to want your existence to simply "cease" without any particular act to make it so. There's not a single part of this post that I haven't felt before.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rachelle. I'm pleased to hear it, and of course sorry to hear it. Pleased you liked the post, very sorry that you have similar experiences.

      Delete
  8. Very funny. And serious of course. I recognise this with myself. I often have the same thought, but I don't want to kill myself. I am in fact a woozy and I avoid all adrenaline sports, because the idea of hurting myself really puts me off.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I wish I didn't exist. Living is such a struggle. I end up hurting the people I love most, by pushing them away, because I don't feel I deserve their love, affection and comfort. I hate being me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous. Thanks very much for your comment. It is heartrending and I wish I knew how to help. But at least thanks for having the guts to say it here.

      Delete
  10. I feel the same way. I can't remember a day when I didn't think of ending this existence. I honestly think that if I believed that there was an afterlife, I would have already ended this life. I guess that means I still have some kind of hope for my life, but I often wonder if existing for existence's sake is all I'm living for. I've felt this way for a couple of years now. I know that this life is all I have but I can't seem to find a way to make myself enjoy it. I sometimes think about just walking deep into the woods and either sitting there until I die, or taking a gun and end my existence. The main philosophical reasoning I have come up with to stay alive is that suicide is the easy way out. It ends my suffering, but would cause the suffering of the people that love me. Maybe that's why occasionally cross railroad tracks with my eyes closed. If a train takes me out, it's not my fault. I would just be smacked into a beautiful oblivion. How can I feel bad if I don't exist any more?

    ReplyDelete
  11. I feel the same way. I don't want to kill myself and leave that for my husband and children to deal with. I also want to make sure I get to heaven to be with my mom. Why can't I just have a massive heart attack or an anyurism so it's not my fault. I can't stand the pain I'm in every day and now the shrink wants to put me in the psych ward. Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have decided to kill myself, but to wait until the children have grown. Perhaps if they don't need my money. I feel I am only worth the bills I can pay. I want so badly to just die in a wreck or in my sleep. Every day I cry like a child and don't know why. What is wrong with my brain?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally hear you... My son is 17. I couldn't do it to him, but i could do it to myself.

      Delete
    2. You are tired...and you need to step away from your current situation. Nobody you love understands your pain because you are to busy acting like you are ok. Seek professional help and unload and release. No matter how your children have treated you they "you" not just your money.

      Delete
    3. Its this society/culture that is sick, not you. Its an anti-human, anti-life, demented society. So of course more and more people dont fit in or dont want to be a part in this toxic, hateful, fear-mongered, socially-manipulated, cancerous tumour of a society.

      Delete
    4. That's where I am. My daughter is 17 and I cannot leave her or hurt her like that. I definitely could do that to myself. I stay here only for her, to love and protect.

      Delete
  13. After everything getting to me, I too have been having the same thoughts, but do not actually want to kill myself. It gets debilitating at times though. I called to get some help today. Some days are better than others, and I oft get the , "Well, why doesn't he just do this...he just doesn't care...if he wanted to he could just do better...he must not want to" It is not like cancer where people can see it...it is silent to the outside world, but loud and yet not so clear in your own head. The reality is I am hurting beyond comprehension, and am overwhelmed. So, I took the first step today and reached out for help.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Not sure but freud identified that we all struggle with the desire to live and the desire for oblivion. It's probably a 'normal' thing to crave peace and oblivion, maybe even healthy to think about it as death and taxes lifes only certainty. In the west we sanities death and are distance from it, almost deny it. I hear and share many of the thoughts and feelings expressed above but really resent the idea that these thoughts are pathologised and become 'owned' by psychiatric services. Suicide is the tenth most common cause of death in the world - not so rare not so unusual and probably not ill. Just an option available to a rational sentient adult who is not enjoying their current existance. We all die, relax it's part of life and nothing to be scared of.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well I totally relate to the not wanting to commit suicide just ceasing to exist. Most people in this world are all selfish and cruel to each other constantly. But I've come to realize that maybe I just worry too much about what a bunch of idiots who have a really way way worse life than mine thinks about me. If I think about it objectively Im better than most of them, so Lately when some idiot tries to judge me or criticize I remind myself- why do I give a crap about what they think or who they are or what they expect from me, when most of them dont have a job, an income, a car, a house, money, a wife or a husband, they are divorced, broke, living off child support and foodstamps, living in the projects with living assistance, and a bunch more crap that is nothing close to the way I am and live. They see me as arrogant sometimes or they think I think Im better than them when is not true, its just that it made me mad that someone who is not doing better than me in life thinks that can judge and criticize me for the way I am, act and think, but since they will think so anyway now I try not to give a damn of what they think of me. Maybe they envy me who knows...but this used to bother me so much that it affectected me when it came to having friends and relationships. It still does and its frustrating when you feel no one likes you because of the way you are and think and realistically see your world. So yeah is not wanting to comit suicide like you said is more about just wanting to not exist sometimes. I mean I have a big paid off house, nice vehicle, money, youth and health as Im in my mid 30's and just a couple of "friends", but compared to most of the rest they dont have crap and all their "friends" are aalways backstabbing each other anyway. But As bad as it might sound, living long enough to see all this jackasses fail and continue to live in missery while I continue to progress is justs the fuel I need to continue living and being succesful no matter how sad I am for being criticized, judged or not to be liked. So theres my strenght to continue living, me continuing to go up and see them go down in their ignorance and jelousy, screw them all.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I don't want to kill myself, but I absolutely do NOT want to live.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have been suffering from depression for several months to possibly years to some extent. I was recently hospitalized for my suicidal thoughts. I am now on medication. I see a psychologist, therapist, and my regular doctor. It was working for a while, but now I am spiraling down a deep dark hole. I have constant thoughts of suicide, or jumping in front of a bus. I am empty and hollow. My wife recently took my medical marajuana, and feels that I am in need of rehab. I am a regular daily smoker, and drink occasionally. Occasionally I will binge drink. But I do not think this is the problem. I have gone a week without a drink or a smoke as per her request. I am thinking of harming myself. Not to die, but to feel the pain, and maybe debilitate myself temporarily. I'm not a 'cutter', it just does not appeal to me. I was thinking of dropping a cinder block on my hand or foot. As the song goes "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel..." I am lost and worried and scared. I am hollow inside. I don't care about myself anymore. I have a wonderful Big family that all love me. But it seems that it is not enough. I keep being told that recovery can take up to a year. A year! Who in the fuck could possibly continue to feel this way for sooo long. I am afraid that I do not have the endurance to finish this race. I am sorry if this is not the right place to put this. I don't mean to step on anyone else's thread or toes. Any comments would be helpful. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  18. I have been suffering from depression for several months to possibly years to some extent. I was recently hospitalized for my suicidal thoughts. I am now on medication. I see a psychologist, therapist, and my regular doctor. It was working for a while, but now I am spiraling down a deep dark hole. I have constant thoughts of suicide, or jumping in front of a bus. I am empty and hollow. My wife recently took my medical marajuana, and feels that I am in need of rehab. I am a regular daily smoker, and drink occasionally. Occasionally I will binge drink. But I do not think this is the problem. I have gone a week without a drink or a smoke as per her request. I am thinking of harming myself. Not to die, but to feel the pain, and maybe debilitate myself temporarily. I'm not a 'cutter', it just does not appeal to me. I was thinking of dropping a cinder block on my hand or foot. As the song goes "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel..." I am lost and worried and scared. I am hollow inside. I don't care about myself anymore. I have a wonderful Big family that all love me. But it seems that it is not enough. I keep being told that recovery can take up to a year. A year! Who in the fuck could possibly continue to feel this way for sooo long. I am afraid that I do not have the endurance to finish this race. I am sorry if this is not the right place to put this. I don't mean to step on anyone else's thread or toes. Any comments would be helpful. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is certainly not the wrong place to put this comment - there isn't a right or wrong place.

      I have no words to say how sorry I am to hear of your pain. I wish I knew what to say to help but I don't.

      It is great that you have been seeking help and please do keep seeking it.

      I know the feeling of emptiness and hollowness, though maybe not as badly as you.

      I get what you say about a year. The only thing I can say is that it reminds me of something from a seed catalogue I used to get. It would say something like the fact that yeah, say 5 years for a seed to flower might seem a long time, but if you'd just planted it at the time of the 2010 general election, you could have this flower now.

      As we state this is not a site for professional help, but if you do need help urgently you'll see some numbers for some countries in the top right.


      A technical note on the comments system: we manually moderate so there is a delay. I noticed that you posted the same comment three times, possibly because you didn't see it appearing. I published the anonymous version of the comment in case you didn't want your name to appear. Please feel free to comment further anonymously or with a name but just be aware there can be a delay until publication. (Also if the name you used is a pseudonym that is fine too.)

      Delete
  19. So I like my life. I'm told I'm pretty and nice by enough people for me to assume that's true. I'm generally a happy person by nature. I'm not going to kill myself, most likely. I want to become a substance abuse counselor. But right now, I'm exhausted by my life as it is. I have a chronic illness, but am still able-bodied enough to work. I'm working a lot and still struggling to pay bills, and feeling desperate for a change. I moved across the country to effect that change, and it did--new friends, quit drinking, better climate. Improved health, better outlook. But I've struggled with depression for the better part of my adult life (in my early 30s now) and lately, I've been fighting with my own anxiety. I'm pretty good at just letting it happen, being aware of it and letting it pass almost on its own, but today, every time I tried to leave the house to go to my second job, I became nauseous and even threw up. No trigger. Had a good first shift. It just nailed me. I'm here saying these things because my wonderful, supportive, and NON-DEPRESSED family and friends will think I'm about to slit my wrists, and I'm not, so I can't really talk to them and have them understand instead of freak out. I'm not even in a really terrible mood. I'm just very tired of feeling like every damn minute is a struggle, every smile a task. I have a pretty big amount of guilt associated with knowing I'm fortunate, that I have humans who care, that I have a home and gainful employment and I'm not struggling to feed a family or just myself in poverty or in some developing or war-torn country. I have access to medical care and clean water. I'm not stupid; I might even be kind of smart. I know I'm good at reading and understanding people and making them feel comfortable where other humans can't. So why in all hells can't I simply function? I know and believe these things, and I know my fight-or-flight reaction is strong in a world where I am not likely to actually need to resort to fisticuffs or hightailing it, but come on. Why are some days perfectly fine, even rosy, and days like today just mud? I don't want to be dead. But occasionally, I don't want to be alive, either. It's bizarre, and difficult to explain to people who have never felt it. I have felt my struggles are psychological, or spiritual, or directly related to my illness, and I have addressed all these theories at different points. Some treatments have been considerably more effective than others, but since all of these things work in tandem and have effects on each other, I feel I've been pretty thorough in taking active steps for improvement in all these realms. And here I am, on my couch, happily snuggling my dog, looking up classes and new places to live, and finally, ending up here. Because I'm exhausted. I'm sad, I just want to sleep, and I'm feeling very, very lonely. And crazy. Can't tell you how many times just not knowing how my dog will get by has saved my bacon. Tomorrow, I will probably be totally cool. When I'm fine, I can't remember what this feels like, and when I'm like this, I can't remember what it feels like to be fine. I would still earnestly and honestly respond that I'm doing well if someone from long ago asked, because I feel like I am, generally. Just not today. Today, I am pale, and shaky, and nauseous, and very tired, and feeling pretty hollow. And I'm great at reassuring other people that all's well, but I can't tell myself that just now, so I'm just spewing how I feel all over this page . . .and actually, its pretty helpful. Thanks for listening. I feel better I could say it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous,

      I'm sorry to hear about your feelings but I am at least delighted we could give you a place to express them.

      I completely get the feeling of guilt - what you might call "first world problem" or something. But then, the way you feel is still the way you feel and if it's bad it's ok not to feel guilty about feeling bad. I'm trying to learn to cope with the twin facts that I'm a very lucky person in very many ways, while also being somebody who gets depressed. They are both facts and they are NOT inconsistent.

      Once again, I am really glad you had somewhere to talk - it's the slogan of the site so many thanks.

      p.s. I'm very sorry it took me a month to respond.

      Delete
  20. I know this feeling. I have debates in my head where one part of me is trying to convince the other part to kill myself. It's like I am holding a trial in my brain, one side presenting all the reasons why I should do it (not necessarily logical reasons), the thing the defense does well, refuse not to do it. For me I think this comes from feelings of guilt, about not being good enough, or letting others down (or fear thereof). I feel like if the world were just (in my weird head's view), then society and even friends and family would agree with my desire to die and support it, even become named hero after I did it. My rational side of course dismisses this as nonsense, but still it haunts me. Do I ever think I will actually commit suicide? No, probably not, but still if someone told me that is how I die, I would not be surprised.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I know this is a very old post, but it came up when I googled "what to do when you want to kill yourself" out of, I don't know, curiosity.

    I'm an academic in training, currently sitting in my university's library, so I just felt this was a good place to say I'm here. And I'm not sure I want to be. But I can't tell my students, professors, family, or friends that. I've had these thoughts for more than 20 years, and I'm just tired tired tired.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts in your original post. It made me feel for a moment like I'm not alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Anonymous.

      It has moved us a lot (I mean me who wrote the post and Mikael who co-founded the blog) that people find this post so meaningful. A statement like "it made me feel for a moment like I'm not alone" means a lot.

      I also know that feeling of being tired tired tired. It can be so wearing, and it can be wearing if things are going badly and it can also be wearing if things are going well.

      Incidentally - I don't mean that you were looking for this but I want to say it anyway- as we say in a corner of the blog under "Not professional help" we don't really have advice for what to do when you want to kill yourself but we have a few of the most obvious links (that I'm sure you've seen elsewhere.)

      Delete
  22. I will often find myself sitting on the bus on the way to work, in a day dream, thinking about how easy it would be for it to crash and for it all just to be over. I too feel like I wouldn't kill myself, but I wouldn't mind if someone were to do it for me.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm only 19 and have my whole life ahead of me, and I know that should make me feel happy and optimistic but it does the opposite! I feel like I'm about two kilometres into a marathon, already exhausted but the end is nowhere near in sight. Literally the only thing stopping me from ending it for myself is the thought of my family, friends, and boyfriend's lives after I've killed myself - I know it'd fuck them all up badly.
    "When you kill yourself, you're not getting rid of your pain - you're just passing it on"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what you mean about the marathon, that's a good analogy.

      Every comment made on this post makes me want to reassure the person posting and hug them if I could. I obviously can't hug you, but also I can't reassure you honestly. I don't know you or your situation so I can't just say "oh things will get better". I really hope they do but I can't say that with academic integrity (and it is an academic blog).

      Going back to the marathon analogy, there is a difference. When people train for the marathon, they get better at running, so they can carry on going at the 2km mark, and then the 20km mark, until they can do the whole marathon. So as well being like a marathon, life is also like training for a marathon. And maybe things will get a bit easier as time goes by. Maybe they won't too, but I hope they do.

      Delete
    2. I wish my first attempted post had worked

      Delete
    3. I don't really want to die but I find comfort in the idea of not waking up. What good is a life that destroys or greatly hurts the most important people in it. My children are what I have lived for. Now divorced, depressed, and endless financial struggles and I have become a anchor dragging them down. I am so proud of them. They can handle whatever life throws at them. If I were in a sinking raft with my sons and it was my weight that was sinking us....I would jump out and give nourishment to the sharks. It would be the last right thing I did in a world gone wrong. Today, yesterday, and little doubt tomorrow has more of the same.

      Delete
  24. I'm depressed and it makes me feel like a spoiled brat. I have a loving husband, two beautiful children, a great job, etc, etc. But something isn't right. I'm still unhappy. I still hurt everyday. Random thought of suicide pop in my head all the time, but I still manage to push them out. I don't want to die. I just want to stop feeling crazy. I have a perfect life in other peoples eyes, why can't I feel that way? What's wrong with me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We get so many comments to this post - which of course is wonderful and very flattering - but so many like this one make me want to just hug the person posting. One of the reasons I want to hug you is that I just want to say that everything will be ok but I can't do that because I don't know you or know that everything will be ok. But you are not a spoiled brat. I think so many of us feel this - I am an incredibly lucky person in so many ways in my life so feel I don't have the right to be miserable sometimes. But if you are miserable you are miserable. So ... big hug. If you want it of course.

      Delete
  25. I don't think I really want to die... I have children I can't do that to and I want to see how it turns out. I love my husband and I think he loves me but if something happened he'd just turn the page and would be relieved to do it. I'm on 300 mg wellbutrin and just can't seem to happy. I want to stop hurting and being a burden on others.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like so many other posts here I want to sympathise with you even though I can't fix anything. One positive thing is that I love your comment "I want to see how it turns out". I think that's a great comment and I feel the same way about a lot of things.

      Delete
    2. Like so many other posts here I want to sympathise with you even though I can't fix anything. One positive thing is that I love your comment "I want to see how it turns out". I think that's a great comment and I feel the same way about a lot of things.

      Delete
    3. Wellbutrin really is not a good antidepressant was already depressed for about a year was on lexapro for years must have become immune to it is a pretty old med so the doctor changed to efexor which done great was back to my old self but the drug store accidentally filled my prescription with wellbutrin bottle said same med I had been taking just different shape and color took for about 2 weeks I got very hateful and agitated would fly off the handle almost went to jail I knew something was not right I just down in floor and cried like a baby wondering what was going on researched found out it was the wellbutrin driving me crazy have you ever tried efexor you can ask your doctor to give it a try for you

      Delete
    4. Wellbutrin really is not a good antidepressant was already depressed for about a year was on lexapro for years must have become immune to it is a pretty old med so the doctor changed to efexor which done great was back to my old self but the drug store accidentally filled my prescription with wellbutrin bottle said same med I had been taking just different shape and color took for about 2 weeks I got very hateful and agitated would fly off the handle almost went to jail I knew something was not right I just down in floor and cried like a baby wondering what was going on researched found out it was the wellbutrin driving me crazy have you ever tried efexor you can ask your doctor to give it a try for you

      Delete
  26. I want to die, I can't. I already have people who tried to help me. I feel bad just suddenly killing myself. Sometimes I just wish I never got this close and never opened up, that way they had no clue. This way they can't say "we tried, what did we do wrong?".
    I'm stuck all in trying to survive. Isolated myself and wish I could just die or have something happen where I learn to appreciate things, things like this care they have all provided.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. As we say often on this blog, we are not medical professionals but do provide some links that might or might not be helpful, eg. helpline numbers in some countries.

      Delete
  27. Feel it right now.....dying is my biggest fear but feel like I don't want to live. I get everything wrong. I haven't ever tried to kill myself or anything, and don't think I'd dare to either. I could never leave my children. They r what I live for even if I feel like I'm not good enough for them. They keep me going. I'm just fed up of feeling useless

    ReplyDelete
  28. I was trying to look for explanation and similar examples to the thoughts I have.

    Mine is slightly different I suppose?
    I wish I could point a gun to my head, my temple, and just pull the trigger. And everything will just blows out. Fade to dark, stop feeling, everything will just become so peaceful.

    I'm trying to determine if that's a form of depression, or if I have some deeper underlying issues that are causing these reoccurring thoughts / ideas.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This sounds a lot like suicidal ideation, which is a major part in depression. I want to ask you to please talk to someone about this - a psychiatrist, a therapist, your general practitioner, someone...

      Delete
  29. I am 56 and have thought about suicide off and on until recently. Now l think about it every waking hour of every day. I don't want to be here. I have no real friends and no family. I have been a teacher for years and now hate what l am doing. In fact, teaching exacerbates my depression. Years of medication has not helped.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm not sure whether my suicidal thoughts are genuine or simply a pressure-release valve that allows me to imagine me not existing. I'm an academic, 64 years old, successful by many standards, but feeling completely wasted and empty and fraudulent.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I don't know how much longer I can do this. This is not living. This isn't even existing. This is purgatory. No one should have to feel this pain and want to die just to get away from it. I beg to die almost everyday but don't have the guts to do it myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so sorry Anonymous, and I wish I knew what to say.

      Delete
  32. I saw a movie once in which one of the characters said "you either dislodge the thought or the bullet." And I haven't, for many years, been able to dislodge the thought. I totally understand that feeling. It's like it's the solution for all of life's concerns, big or small--lost your job, kill yourself; broke a nail, kill yourself; you're falling in love and that's scary, kill yourself. I've been struggling with that constant, nagging voice for so long, that I honestly can't understand how to rationally solve problems anymore. The most rational thing that my brain can come up with is suicide, and I think that's why you can't fight that kind of fight alone. You just lose the ability to hear your real voice past all the voices of your pain. That's why you need someone else's voice to start fighting them too, someone who can think rationally when you have forgotten how. The problem is that nobody rational wants to hear the irrational ramblings of someone in the depths of darkness. It's too real. It's too easy to be pulled in. So what do we do? Keep talking to each other, to the same people who can't stop wanting to die? It helps with the loneliness, but won't someone standing on the ice above pull me from the frigid waters? Or must I search for the opening until I drown or freeze, all the while watching so many others beside me doing the same?

    ReplyDelete
  33. I really need help.

    Ok so I'm gunna tell u me story and don't u dare fell sorry for me as I have only told 3 people at school all about this and everyone they all do which I really don't want, I just wanna be normal.

    When I was 8 me step dad got lung cancer and died then a few months later me mom got lukiamia (blood cancer) and died as well.

    At the time I was young so I didn't understand properly amid I remember forcing myself to cry when I was told mom was dead just cuz I thought it was what I was meant to do.

    Now I cry every night and whenever I can in the day.

    I have a constant guilt as the last time I ever saw me mom alive she was in hospital and really ill and I was so horrid, when me brother and now carer had left me to say bye I refused and told her I hated her and left her crying.

    I don't know how I knew she would die soon but the night before she died I was in bed crying and when my older brother came in who was only 13 gave me my teddy bear and told me to hug her and everything would be ok. And when I fell asleep I really thought it would.

    She died at 6 the next morning


    Ok let's get to the point of why I'm on this website

    I hate me life. I get shouted at by my carer when I miss the school bus the detention in school as I don't have half me books. I'm a girl and if ur a girl u should know what I mean and I've started and I really want to talk to mom about it but I can't.



    I don't want to kill myself and I've cut once and I, trying no to again as it hurts. Plz don't judge I'm only 12 nearly 13 and I sometimes wish I was dead

    I don't live with my brother as he got adopted but I still get to see him and I want tI talk to him about mom and that but once he said it upset him 2 much so I can't now.

    I have wished I was dead in the past but I could never kill myself I just couldn't but I really need advice


    Thank u so much

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jessi, Thanks for sharing.

      You say you don't want me to feel sorry for you, so I won't. Well, I can't stop myself but I won't go on about it.

      It is easy not to judge you though. Try not to judge yourself too.

      What you do want is advice and I can try to offer a little bit. Which is that there are lots of sources of help of professionals who will want to help you. This site isn't staffed by mental health experts so we can't really say much except please please do try to find advice. I don't know where you live but we have put a few hotlines for help on the top right of the site, and others are linked as well. Though some of those are suicide hotlines and you may not feel suicidal, anyone of those lines would be happy to talk to you through some of the things you are thinking and also to give you other sources of advice.

      Also depending on where you are there are helplines specifically aimed at children. Like in the UK there is Childline on 0800 1111 and anywhere in Europe you can ring 1161111. In the USA there is 1-800-4-A-Child. Again some of these lines may focus on other things but they are all there to help children so can put you in touch.

      Maybe the most obvious advice is to try to seek medical advice from a doctor or other health practitioner. The reason I didn't mention this first is in case this is difficult for you in your situation, in which case some of the numbers I've mentioned (or alternatives in your country) might be of help.

      Delete
    2. The European number is 116111 with one less 1 than I said above. But that doesn't matter as you would get through anyway. But just posting this correction for completeness.

      Delete
  34. I am a scientist, mother to three boys, and struggling wife of an abusive alcoholic. I can't leave him. Just can't. My career is in shambles because I am never stable enough in life to write successfully and get grant funded. In 7 weeks, I will be out of funding, and nothing else looks like it is going to come through. I will be an unemployed and useless piece of meat occupying space and using up oxygen. My spouse is incredibly cheerful when I come home, now. I'm not sure if it's because he's happy that I'm a failure and so he feels powerful, or because he's trying to cheer me up, but he's not like this when I'm trying to write, trying to work. No, then, he's an erratic drunk, alternately browbeating me or one of the boys or buying us all expensive things that we can't really afford. Absolutely anything or nothing at all can trip him into raging or cutting, hateful sarcasm. We've been married for 14 years, and this has always been the way it is. He's driven my eldest son out of the house, my son from my first marriage. He was only 17 when he left, and I helped him, so that he could get away from the abuse. That was almost two years ago. I rarely see him now, but he is doing better, smiles when I see him, but he is definitely struggling. I failed him, my beautiful eldest.

    My younger two are healthier, stronger, because their father seems a little more reliable with them. Or maybe it's because they are young, yet.

    I love my children, more than my own life. They are all that tether me here, to life. I love science, have since I can remember, about age 4 or 5. But that is dead, gone to me now, because I was too weak to leave him and make life on my own terms. And now my children are all I have left to live for.

    I think about dying, all the time. It's constant, even when things are good. I don't see that the world needs me for much of anything but a loving pair of arms to my sons, but those arms are pretty damned useless when it comes to protecting them from much of anything. They can only give love. That's it. All I can live for. All I'm able to do. A hug.

    Once my sons are grown, I can let go. This pain can end, and I can stop being a failure. Instead, I can nourish the earth with my body. That thought gives me peace. And really? I'm not sure that I WON'T do it myself. I won't now, certainly, though I wouldn't fight it much if I was staring death in the face. But when my kids are grown, gone?

    Yeah. Death will be a welcome release.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for sharing. I am heartbroken to read of your pain but we are here to let you talk about it.

      If there is anything we can do let us know.

      Delete
  35. i've been thinking about it, and i've always wonderd if i was suicidal.
    i mean i never tryed suicide, selfharm or anything that could hurth me i think i'm happy and yet some days i wish a truck would ride me over, i would get in a car accident.
    or something would happen where i could die, i feel like it would free me, but my question to myself is from what.
    sometimes i feel so sad yet i have no reason to be sad.
    mostly when i have these thoughts i wonder why i have them and yet here today after 2 years it has started it hasn't stoped as subtle as it is.
    i still hear that voice say i wish i was death, or what a delight it would be that a car would crash into me. i think that scares me and i honestly don't know what to do

    ReplyDelete
  36. I just don't want to exist. I have a great life, all the boxes are ticked; job, family, house, travel etc. I've got nothing to be depressed about, I just don't like living. I have kids, so I can't suicide. I try to engage in risky behavior to provoke an accidental death, but nothing so far. I'm afraid of a failed suicide that could lead to imprisonment on a ward or in a broken body. I really do have a good life, but I just don't want it. Even when I'm feeling happy, I wish to not exist. I'm always ready to give up my life if the opportunity presents. Who is to say that the people who fight to make you want to live are correct anyway. Maybe I'm the smart one for acknowledging that life isn't fun. Is there somewhere to go to for help with dying? How would I connect with a professional who could end my life.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Three grad mathematics students (including myself) talk about wanting to be dead, without us actually being depressed all the time, we found this while discussing it. We concluded it is probably just that our lives feel perpetually stressful, rather than us actually finding them terrible. Thanks for your post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we are doing far too little in academia to actually care for our community members, and grad students are especially exposed to this. I'm not entirely sure this approach to PhD studies as a trial-by-fire is helpful to anyone, but it is right now one of the most stressful things one usually has ever seen by the time you get there.

      I would hope for you to pay a bit of attention to these feelings though, and if possible find a professional to talk them through with: if your stress levels lead to suicidality, or to such levels of weariness, maybe you shouldn't have to carry it alone. Maybe you're closing in on the point where you could use some help.

      Delete
  38. I think about this all of the time... I am a 14 year old girl and I just want to die but not by committing suicide. My brothers always say suicide is a sign of weakness, which I know is not true but also I do not want people to think I am selfish for doing that or just even being remembered for suicide. I am 14 and have a "good life". I am 14 years old, I am one of the "core people" in the "popular group" at school, guys like me, I am financially stable, I have nice parents and brothers, I live in a very nice house, my parents happy and together, I am student council president, I have a fun and nice family, and I have so many AMAZING friends who love me and care about me; I have almost the perfect life, but I am just not happy- I do not want to commit suicide because I do not want to be remembered for the girl who committed suicide for no reason or hurt my family name but like I just really want to die by accident or in like a car crash or have cancer or a terminal disease, I know that is very fucked up, but I just do not want to live life right now. I know this is a serious issue but I have thought about this for a while and have made up my mind. Some days I have really good days with my friends and have so much fun but a part of me would not mind dying at all. I am usually very good in school and never get in trouble but last week, I went on a school trip (I go to a very nice and elite preparatory school so the teachers are very strict) and brought a decoy phone and they wanted to suspend me and not have me walk graduation but I got out of it because I felt remorse and cried... I just had to sit out of the trip for 3 hours with my principal in silence. In addition to this, 2 weeks ago my brother (who is a junior in high school) did drugs and had a very bad reaction and stopped breathing and almost died, he had to stay in the hospital over night with a resperator and my parents did not know if he was going to wake up (since my brother is in college he was not home to comfort me so I stayed home alone scared out of my mind cause my parents stayed in the hospital with them)... My parents were horrified and he is grounded until the end of the school year but gets to go out sometimes but not allowed to stay out very late (like till 12am) but then my parents found adderal in their car and since my brothers both have their own cars, I am the only one who uses it- they think it was me who took it and they flipped out because drugs is a sensitive topic in my family and they are convinced it was me EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NOT!! None of my friends do not know about any part of the drugs because it would "ruin my family's name". Sometimes all of my friends get mad at me because I get annoying but like they just have mood swings. Its so hard because I feel like I have nobody. My parents love me and would do ANYTHING for me but I feel bad because I am so expensive; like I go to a very expensive school, a very expensive sleep away camp, I have head issues and I fly across the country just to see my doctor because he is the best in the country, my friends are very rich so I have to use my parents money to pay for everything. I feel like if I was dead I would save them so much money- so far they have invested hundreds of thousands of dollars just for my education from Pre-k to 8th grade just for me and I have two older brothers, too they pay for. Life would just be easier if I died- I would be remembered and loved by everyone who knew me, everyone would feel sorry for me and my family, and my parents would save A LOT of money so they could use it on themselves more instead of me and my siblings or family trips or anything like that.

    ReplyDelete
  39. My time in this world hasn't been nice...but there were moments that i was glad for been there, for seeing that, for meeting them, for wanting it so bad, that made me feel so alive, so alive... Even if it was just for a moment...i despertaly need those moments, seeking for them, at the same time, made me feel awful, makes me feel awful... but what else can i do? Well, i don't do any harm to anyone...so it's ok. Why do i feel like this? i need to know why... there's no single day that i don't think about it... i don't want to exist, i want to erase my existence, like i wasn't even been born...there are moments in which i just can't stop crying...thinkg about time...how many days? since i was a child, i always wish to die before the only people that i really care... i didn't believe in any god by then, not even now...so there's noone to pray at...at least, i'm happy about it... i'm not looking for anyone to read this, but knowing there are many like me, makes me feel less anxious...or weird... because i know i could end it, but i don't want to do it that way...but again, there's nothing here for me, nobody would miss me, not even my parents, or siblings...i like to think that there is just little time...left

    ReplyDelete
  40. START MEDITATION IT WILL HELP YOU ! KILL YOUR THOUGHTS BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF ! Best Wishes

    ReplyDelete
  41. Does anyone feel this way in a loving relationship...? I have a wonderful partner, but I can't help but still feel this way a lot of days. It's nothing he's done or can change I feel, as its gone on longer than him. But I feel so guilty thinking thoughts of not existing or not wanting to be here... How could I do that to him? I've lost a close friend to suicide 3 years ago and I feel guilty for feeling this way when I know how painful it is to lose someone you thought was doing ok. Not that I ever thought he was doing ok... I just get it more now. I don't want to tell my partner every time I feel
    This way as I don't want him to think he doesn't make me happy.. He does. But there's still a feeling of pain inside that he can't erase

    ReplyDelete
  42. its amazing that there are alot of people who wants to end their existence even they dont experience any traumatic events.i just loss my husband last month and taking depression & anxiety medication. Wanting to just not wake up is getting worser everyday. medication help me cry less but makes we just stare on something for longer time and makes me want to die more. i'm tired of my deep grieving, waking up so alone and so sad, that feeling that my life has no direction and is not worth living anymore. i want to die but i dont want to do it myself. i just want to not wake up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry to hear that. I think a lot of people feel this way without traumatic events is because the scrunch behind it is not coming from a negative experience too much of the time, but more of a chemical/hormonal reaction which creates thoughts and feelings that can't be helped. It actually gives me a tiny amount of comfort that I'm not the only one feeling this way, and that there's others out there like me. I have never had one event that has made me feel this way, I've felt this way since I was 15 yes old, I'm now 30. I've been forced into non consensual sex, I've lost a close friend to suicide 3 years ago last March, I just lost my grand father who raised me and he suffered for 6 years with multiple system atrophy before he died, which took away everything from him and we all to sit back and watch him turn into this husk of his former self, unable to wipe his own arse, speak and in the end, eat or breathe. Life is full of constant heavy weighing circumstances sometimes and I think them with the mix of someone who has a different cognitive process and perhaps behavioural or hormonal differences, it can be a potent cocktail. I am sorry for everyone who is suffering and I am sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I wasn't feeling pain also :(

      Delete
    2. Very sorry to hear of your loss Anonymous, and the pain of both you and Ashleigh.

      Delete
  43. Hi I've been feeling like this for a while now too. I'm sorry to just add on more to this but I think blurting it all out might be therapeutic. I'm 18, I go to a good university, I have family and friends who love me and support me but I still cant shake the feeling of just killing myself. I've been depressed for a while now I've gone to the doctor I've taken a variety of pills and gone to multiple sessions of therapy but I honestly dont think any of it has helped me and Im starting to lose faith that it wont get better than this. My friends and family know that I struggle with mental illness and they do their best to try and help me cope but no matter what they do or what I do I still feel like killing myself. I should have so much to look forward to but all I see is a bleak empty future for me and it scares me. I've self harmed multiple times often to just make the emptiness go away I feel so dead inside sometimes and the pain takes it away just for a moment but it always comes back. Im not sure if I will eventually end my life or not but I feel like Im just waiting for that one event to push me over the line.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous and thanks for the comment.

      I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I really wish it wasn't there but of course that doesn't help very much (or not at all)

      We are only really here as a sounding board and I'm glad you've taken advantage of it. We are not professionals to help with mental health, but we have some links to helplines like the Samaritans who can be great people to talk to.

      Delete
  44. I always wanted to die since my husband's passing.He's all i got. We dont have children together.All of my families lives in other country. I'm all alone facing this ordeal. I dont want anybody to have this kind of ordeal. Thoughts of passing this unbearable emotion to people who love me if die is not fair. But wanting to just not wake up still there. It get worser & worser everyday.For me grieving, depression and anxiety all together is a kind of disease that is worse than cancer.It makes me feel like a walking person without a heart & brain. My whole me is so numb & empty & yet i can still feel this horrible emotions.This is like worms, consuming the wholeness of me. And the only escape is to die. I've been taking medications & seeing a counselor. trying to socialize but its not helping. at the end of the day, its still just me and the desire to sleep forever. i'm dead inside and people around me dont understand that. myself is my worse enemy right now. knowing that there are people whose having this thoughts of dying saddened me because i know how it feels like. i just hope that one day we're all be okay. its a wishful thinking but goodluck to all of us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry for the delay posting this (they are not published automatically to avoid spam so one of us has to release them)

      So sorry to hear about your pain and of course your husband's passing earlier which has led to it.

      Delete
  45. Yeah, see and I am one that DEFINITELY doesn't want to kill myself but I am sad and I do want to be dead or actually just not exist as you said. I would kill myself but I don't want to impact anyone like that. I wish I could figure out a way to have never been here. Even in my sadness I am still like...I have the appearance of a happy man! Lol How fucked up is that? I have never been able to figure it out. I am sad that I will die someday and it will hurt people but at the same time. With the way my life turned out I don't want to be here anymore so I am just kinda chillin' out...knowing I WILL die. Just sort of forfeiting the rest of my life. I've just had it. I actually hate, deeply, my propensity to hope. It just feels like a joke that should have been over by now. I'm not what people would expect either. I am 36, very good looking (I hate that too now) I am right now sitting on my couch watching my huge TV. My apartment is awesome...my girlfriend is super hot and just gave me a kiss goodnight. I am divorced. It happened 11 years ago and I was devastated. Even as a black hearted jerk after that I still got the girls, still had friends...and all I can think is, "what a bunch of dumbasses!" Do they not see that I'm a miserable, worthless bastard or what? Lol I mean I have to laugh. Its THAT bad. If I ever figure out a way to...eliminate all impact I ever made I will. It is actually the thing that keeps me going. I don't want to die and go to heaven or hell or whatever. I just want to not have ever been. Not in any way.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Hello I wantedto share what I was feeling to share with somebody I feel people feel I'm crazy talking like this so thought of sharing in this blog.... Right from my childhood I always think to die.. I always feel people in this society is fake and I feel even I'm fake reacting to them..i feel we all are keeping fake smile in front of others...i don't have any trouble which I can't tolerate but still I feel my life is meaningless.. I have wonderful parents who comforted me always but still I don't feel like leaving... I can't bear sadness neither happiness... I neither like to be in problems nor happiness... I always feel I should end this journey of life... But I can't commit suicide leaving my parents in sorrow.... But sometimes I feel its better to die because in futureI may trouble my parents more because of this attitude but waiting for time to invite death... U may all think I'm mentally abnormal... No I'm not I can understand what others think so I didn't share this with anyone...I am behaving normal like everyone with fake smile on my face but I hate this I always feel I shouldbe alone.... I should die like once I slept I should never wake up... This world his nothing everybody are living fakely.. ... Those who r reading this plz wish me death comes soon to me

    ReplyDelete
  47. I hate my self i just wanna be locked in my room all day. I hate my school. I barely have friends i love my mom but i disappointed her a lot my sister gets on my nerves and the people i do trust my mom push them away... i know i have depression just havent got checked for it i cut my self a lot i just wanna have all this pain go away

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Can't promise to help but I can promise that there are many people who really want to help you. If your doctor is not the right person then look at the list of helplines linked on this page. Please please try to find some help

      Delete
  48. At school im known as a whore and a slut because i have a boyfriend and i talk to other guys but i am just friends with those guys... Im 14 im considering suicide

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if you will see this since it is like 6 weeks ago that you posted. But please don't consider suicide at 14. You are not a slut and it is great to be friends with guys. Keep going. If things seem at their darkest now you can always seek help.

      Delete
  49. I am 15 years old. I feel unwanted. I feel like no one believes in me. I want to die but I dont want to do it my self. when i fall asleep i dont want to wake up. when i get in a car i want to be in a crash. when i am walking downtown i hope i get shot or mugged or killed. I want to die i just dont want to kill myself. I am a person of GOD and I know that killing myself isn't an option because, in my mind, that will send you to the depths of hell. I don't know what to do. Any Ideas from anyone. please help me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The best idea I have is to please seek help ... there are lots of links to helplines and similar on this page even if you can't go to a doctor. There are lots of other webpages with links too.

      Delete
  50. I am 26, riddled with Borderline Personality Disorder, I do not believe in God. I am held back on a daily basis by trivial petty bullshit. I really dont know why I am alive. My boyfriend loves me but I know he can do better. I want to kill myself but he doesnt deserve to hurt. I almost want to leave him so he will move back to our home state, i will stay here and die like I'm supposed to. Im holding him back with my existence. I want to die.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The other day I posted on facebook about "marriage imposter syndrome." I strongly believe my wife could do better but she seems to stick with me (22 years so far.) So I'm saying you don't know your boyfriend could do better. And by the way I don't believe in God either so I think that makes sense. It is so hard and I am so sorry that you want to die. But I hope you come through a tough time.

      Delete
  51. I'm about to turn 40. I'm an academic in the humanities. I don't publish enough - not because I don't have the chops (the record indicates that I can publish) but because I have a chronic and debilitating case of impostor syndrome, which, in case you don't think is a thing, is a thing. I have a history of complex PTSD, substance use disorder (basically in remission -- the alcohol part anyway), major depression and anxiety. I'm alone and likely always will be. I'm close to my parents but I know their time is coming. The only thing that keeps me this side of the grass -- honestly -- is my dog. I promised her 8 years ago, in adopting her, that I'd see her through to the end, and we have an iron bond. My parents would take her if anything happened, and they'd be wonderful to her, but she'd never stop looking for me. I know this because they've kept her before and she's never settled. Can't do that to her. So I think high-speed car wreck with both of us present, but I'd probably screw that up. So here I am. I'll probably be around for a while yet. Pathetic? Yes. I just wanted to write that down somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for writing it down here. I absolutely agree imposter syndrome is a thing, no doubt about it. It's great you have that bond with your dog, and obviously also your parents. So you can have strong loving bonds with loved ones - who knows what future ones you will have? I can't just wave a magic wand to make everything ok (or I would do) but I do so wish everything will be ok.

      Delete
  52. I am a 42 year old woman who has a full time job, and my husband and I are raising two beautiful adopted children who are 3 and 5 years old. I don't like to use the word suicide. I think it's a horrible word and brings darkness to my heart every time I hear it. I don't want to die because of my kids, but ever since I can remember (10 years old), I have always just wanted to "not exist". Nothing specific, I just don't want to be here. So if so many of us feel the same way, why do we keep reproducing? We need to stop bringing other human beings to this horrible world!

    ReplyDelete
  53. I've been suicidal since I was four years old, when I really understood that people died and that people could make themselves die. My mother is a horrible person, but nothing truly horrible ever happened to me when I was growing up, or has happened since I've been an adult. I'm not a good person. I've had enough feedback in my life to know that in general I'm not a likeable person. But lots of people who are unlikeable are cool with themselves, so even if people did like me, I don't think my thoughts about myself would be any different. I hate myself. I have to keep most mirrors in my house covered so I don't ever accidentally see my reflection. I have many plans to kill myself, and my dogs (I couldn't kill myself and leave my dogs behind, because that would be beyond cruel), but I've never made an actual attempt. My main thought throughout every day of my life (since I was four, so over 30 years now) is that I want to be dead. Whenever I leave the house I think maybe this is the day I'll get in an accident and die. Or this is the day a sniper will get me (and not someone else, who legit wants to be alive). Or I'll be diagnosed with a terminal disease. Why can't I be the one that is killed, instead of someone who's an asset to the world? I think people who have successfully committed suicide, in general, are very brave (of course there are exceptions), and the very moment I have the courage to kill myself, I'll do it. But I've been scared to do it all these years. What if I continue "living" after I die? Like reincarnation, or limbo, whatever. I want to stop existing, period, not kill myself only to have to live again, perhaps even in a worse situation. I hate thinking about someone having to take care of my stuff when I'm gone, as in getting rid of my things. That's a burden. I also don't like thinking of what people will say after I'm dead who have no idea what being suicidal is like and so are very judgmental about it. I'm scared my attempt won't be successful. What if I shoot myself in the wrong place and survive? What if someone finds me before the fumes do their thing? I don't want to be disabled and/or criminally liable. I am not an asset to the world, so there is no reason I should keep taking up resources to stay on the planet. I hope I get the courage to do it. I don't want to feel this way for another 30 years, and another 30. My dogs are wonderful, happy creatures, so I definitely don't want to kill them along with me, so that means I need to wait until they die before I do anything. But I probably still won't have the courage to do it. PLEASE KILL ME.

    ReplyDelete
  54. DON'T READ THIS: (im posting it just to get my thoughts out, if you read this it will confuse you, and not in a good way)
    I wonder sometimes why i don't want to die. Everyone dies in the end anyway, the earth is going to be unable to hold living inhabitants in a few billion years anyway, and why should anything you do matter if it all leads to the same place; death? I am a really happy person, and most people in my school think i'm on drugs because i jump up and down when im happy,and one time i couldnt stop laughing for 2 hours because i found this one sound so funny. My life is so perfect (mainly). i have good grades, i have friends, i participate in sports, and i have my own room, and i have a fish,and i have a mom, and im smart enough to eventually go to collage and get a job, and i see my dad every once in a while, and nothing really bad has happened to me, or nothing i can think of. there have been times when i have though i want to die, but at the same time i know i will never do anything but i dont know why. im happy when i sit in a tree and yet when im happy i wonder what the point of anything is. i dont want to die, and i know i wont kill myself but why? at the same time i cant see the point in doing anything, in following the rules, in going to school, in trying so hard to be happy. im weird. sometimes all i have to do to make bad feeling go away is go to sleep and wake up again,and in the morning everything will be ok. i know everything will always be ok, i just have this little spark inside of me that says i want to live even if sometimes i want to die, but i dont know why its there. i dont know what i want out of life, everyone is always searching for something, maybe happiness, maybe fame. some people search for love, others live for experiences. i dont know why im alive. true, i make many people very happy, and thats good in this socirty, but everyone is gonna die, so i still dont get anything. nothing makes sense to me. mainly i dont make sense to myself. i can never make up my mind on anything, and all i do is confused myself, i dont even know why im writing this, i just feel so strongly that i dont belong here, with everyone, im so different. i dont act my age, i act younger. everyone with their iphones and on social media, and selfies, and posting about their life, and wearing makeup, and talking about boys, and going to big parties, while here i am, i prefer to sit in a tree, i find happiness in bubbles, and grass, and the sun,a dn smiles, and crayons, and paint, and a bean bag chair, and stuffed animals, and i love to play outside though i dont do it so much anymore, im too old for that, all the little kids run aorund the playground, i would look stupid sitting there by myself. i dont belong. when im confused i just confuse everyone else.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I cant understand my feelings. i avoid talking to the people who i have once talked to about something that bothers me. because im scared of anyone knowing that there could possibly be something that could possibly bother me. i mean im me, im happy, theres nothing wrong with my life, theres nothing that should bother me so if anything does that means i shouldnt be feeling it. most of the time when i feel anythign but happiness or calmness or somewhere in between i usually dont know what is or where it came from. i remember debating in my head for an hour about whether what i was feeling was sadness, ad after concluding maybe yes, i questioned for another 2 hours where it had come from since i couldnt find, any of the events that happened to me that day to be anything bad. so i really just find myself confusing, i dont understand how im me, or what i think. i dont understand where these feeling come from, and why i sometimes feel things that dont seem to have words for them, like confusion is a feeling for me, and so is boerdom, and so is this feeling of everything being perfect and you just exist somewhere with everything at peace. sometimes i hear feel my head exploding, i really want to scream and run around, and do something but i dont, i just sit there and look normal while in my head i feel total caos not knowing what to do. sometimes there is sreaming in my head too. i just dont understand myself anymore, i make no sense, nothing makes any sense to me.

    ReplyDelete
  56. None of this matters, it would just be simpler to die. I don't know what I feel, what I want or who I am. But it doesn't matter, it would just be easier to die.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I don't think it's just me anymore. I think there's something really wrong with this Society. I can't watch the News because it's full of Violence, Hate, and Death. Whatever happened to "If you can't say something Nice, don't say anything at all!". This Society has a Severe Diarhea of the mouth, and I'm seriously tired of my head being filled up with this Noxious Vile crap. I feel dead inside. There's nothing I want to do, because it all involves dealing with a Society I consider Insane. Is this all in my head? Sure, but, It does'nt mean that it's not also the truth.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I can relate a little to what your talking about. Since I was 8 I've been asking myself "what is your purpose in life?" and I still haven't found it. The past 2 years have been very hard on me. I feel like I don't care too much to people, I have like 4 people in my life I'm really grateful for, but the rest of the people, I feel like it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. I definitely don't want to kill myself but I would rather to not exist at all. I'm always wandering "When I'm I going to die?" and I'm only 24. I love my boyfriend, and my mom, and my siblings, but I don't like myself so much and I want to escape this feeling but I don't know how. I know I am a good person, but then, why do I always feel like that doesn't really matter? Being a nice person means you will be happy? Not necessarily. I don't mean by this that not being nice is good, but being good isn't everything in life, there are tons of other things that are also taken into account. Anyways, I know a little of what you mean, most days I can take it, but there are times in which I want to disappear. I guess this is one of those days.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I've battled with depression non-stop for years. My mom was a drug addict/alcholic, my dad left me to her demise (but now pretends he was great), I've never had a stable home, my family is nothing. I thought I made it out 6 years ago. I found a great guy who made me happy and even dealt with my depression when it hit hardest. Now, I dont think he actually understands that I feel numb and like a loser. I just think of all the ways I could kill myself if only I had the balls to. I'm just tired of the mean thoughts, endless self doubt, and horrible treatment of myself. I'm lazy and pathetic and I just want it to stop.

    ReplyDelete
  60. I've found myself wanting to die more times then I could count. I don't think I could commit suicide, well, not unless it looked like an accident. I don't think my parents would be happy thinking I killed myself, but if it looked like it was an accident or something I think their grief would be lessened. I used to be Catholic, but when I heard that people who commit suicide were sent to Hell I reconsidered and decided to be atheist instead. With no thought about what the afterlife would bring I actually convinced myself that becoming nothing would be better than the pathetic life I was living. To face death and the possibility of just suddenly not existing with an apathetic attitude is probably not a normal response, but I really couldn't care. I keep pushing myself through life because of those around me and how upset they would be if I died, but if I were to die tomorrow I would embrace it. It's sort of empowering that if it came down to it I could just give in and commit suicide, that I always have an out should I choose to take it. So until that time comes I can take whatever is coming at me with the thought that I could end it one day and not have to worry about it. I'll keep pushing. For now. But the power to stop the pain will always be in my hands and I take comfort in that.

    ReplyDelete
  61. today i got cyberbullied and i thought since it was spring break i would be finally be left alone from these people but i guess it is NEVER gonna get better i have severe depression and i have nobody to talk to

    ReplyDelete
  62. I am just tired of the struggle......not sure if I would do anything to hasten the date but I do not want to live. Life has been hell from jump... at 69 now, just tired ...still beautiful but ready to go.

    ReplyDelete
  63. I can't do this anymore.. there is so much pretending so much fake feelings! oh mygod im sorry i justcant do this anymore. The therapy and medication all the cuts and hospital trips.. let me go please

    ReplyDelete
  64. I just don't want to be me. I wish that I would just disappear and never be found or heard from again. I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I would ever want to, but If I was in an accident I don't think I would try to save myself either. I have never experienced love and everything I ever liked has broke wether physically or mentally. Every friendship I have had has come to a screeching halt because I always think that it's something it's not. I'm just sick of it! I really have nothing to look forward to in my life ( I'm 19). I know I still have a lot of time left, but idk if I can handle or want to even try. I wish and pray ever night that something would happen to either end my life or give me something to live for. I have been doing this since I was 15, it hasn't happened yet I don't
    Think it ever will. I have never found anything I'm good at, I'm fugly and no matter how I act I always lose my friends. I have changed my personality so many times and still nothing. I just don't know what to believe in or to look forward to.

    ReplyDelete
  65. I feel the pain of the writter I wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. I am older my kids are grown and ever since I lost the one I have never been able to over come that. All I will ever be is a fat mechanic from her family but never her. It is not about suicide it is about pain, hurt, and ever since that day before Valentine's day nothing has ever gone right. Over looked and miss understood and the only one you think could or would understand you without judgement is gone. You may have others but they will never understand. I wish I could just give up I wish B. was at least my friend she was awesome 13 years or so now and I remember everything to the T. Now my physical pain has compounded the mental pain and made life miserable. My family I know sees it and I try and hide it all the time. Not to sure it works. I feel your pain in some ways. We can not give up no matter how glom we feel.

    ReplyDelete
  66. I want to try to kill myself. I'm afraid of failing and ending up in a vegetative state that is clearly more isolating than the former issue.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I am not suicidal, not by any means, there's a love for life imbedded inside me that is more powerful that what I may experience during it.
    But that clarified, it doesn't mean I don't think about killing myself.
    I can only explain it like this, everything operates on a cycle , first we are born then we die, therefore in order for me to enforce closure to the experiences that I loathe or that cause me spiritual , emotional or any other kind of strain, I put those things to death by thinking about suicide. It's like ripping a page but keeping the book.
    And although that could be a sure disaster for some more meticulous people, for me , something's are best forgotten and binding it's in the past the matter of facts of that page being left open to interpretation is absolutely fine by me considering the human condition chooses to imagine the best and remember the worst. If these are my memories than everyone else can imagine them wonderful if I put them to death.
    If you are contemplating suicide physically, I apologize but I cannot agree with your reasons no matter what they are. I can only offer you my system and I cannot promise you that it will work, for it's ultimately up to you as you are the creator of everything that happens next. I say this as a person who will repeat a brief resurrection only for the sake of those who may read this that I could aide by submitting it, but I will refuse any further indulgence thereafter so don't bother asking me to expand.. I was raped at 6, violently and emotionally abused by my own mother, on my own since 14, witnessed homicide, and allowed myself to endure a very damaging and abusive marriage with the most dangerous sort of narcissist you couldn't even fathom. It wasn't until I realized that tho I didn't have a choice thru most of these things, I absolutely had a choice on what happens next, and this when I put those things to death. I killed who I was and it gave me life again. But you have to actually allow it all to die. You cannot allow it to linger on life support for it sucks the life from you. Understand who you are, accept everything that you have done and that has been done to you no matter how gross, and then CHANGE IT. It's actually a lot more easy than you think.
    Be honest with yourself. If it's people that you feel are making you think about death, get away from them. If you aren't happy with your routines , patterns, actions , decisions, change them.
    EVERYTHING IS SIMPLE we complicate it all by ourselves.
    accept it, and you will take power over it.
    Make excuses , lie to yourself and it own you so much you end up lost without any direction to find yourself. And that's when it becomes easier to just end it all so before you make a mistake you cannot reverse, know that you don't have to physically die to experience rebirth.

    ReplyDelete

Comment policy:
We reserve the right to edit all comments. In particular, we will not tolerate phobic content (race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, nationality, religion, mental health status, etc.) nor personal attacks or threats toward another commenter, significantly off-topic, or is an obvious trolling attempt.