Monday, 10 June 2013

The low self-esteem beast at a networking event

Something I jotted down last week... Wasn't ready to post at the time. Feelings were still a bit raw. No that I've calmed down a bit (just a little bit), I thought it might be interesting for others to read. Only minor editing (spell-checking) since then.

 “The low self-esteem beast bit me today,
That too on a fine sunny day...”

Funny how that happens... One moment things seem to be going okay. Another time it feels like things, i.e. you, are going nowhere. 

Today it was at a networking event. I went to try to get tips to turn my tutoring into a business and get more tutees.  We all had to introduce ourselves. I let my vulnerability be shown: that I had not succeeded in the job market. Another man, trying to sell his business, said that he could tap the unadvertised job market and get people jobs. People, like me. He did that sales pitch, specifically naming me, in so-called alliance, and saying that I could disagree with him at any time.  

He knew how to target my vulnerability, the mark of a good sales man.

When the self-esteem beast bites, it feels like the bottom has fallen out of your whole world. That there is no place for you in it. What is the point of you existing, if you’re of no use to anyone.

The problem is, is that other people telling you there is a place for you, and that you have skills, and are of value, just doesn’t seem to solve the problem. In the end, self-esteem, is just that... *self* esteem... 

The whole process of picking yourself has to begin, all over again. “Again”, because you have had this problem several times over and you have had to do it before. You hope it gets easier. But you never really know.

Low self-esteem has been a personality trait of mine for as long as I can remember. It's got to the point where I wish I could exorcise the demon, and be rid of it forever. It stops me trying new things that I might not be good at, meeting confident people, and even applying for jobs.

5 comments:

  1. Chantal, another moving post. Also outstanding for looking inside of youreself and sharing it with others.

    I do hope it gets easier for you dealing with it, as you say.

    I'd love to say something which would help but I don't know what that is. But it's good to hear from you.

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  3. I hate my school.. i hate every one i just want to stay in my room and be alone all day.. i can only talk to one person and they are busy.. everyone else i love my mom and some of my friends but i just wanna be alone and

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  4. I live in pain almost 24 hours a day everyday for at least 20 years now; the doctors can't help, they put me on hydrocodone and ibuprofen, there's nothing more to do. I JUST WANT TO DIE!!! No this is not the first time I've said it and it's not just a thought. I was actually looking up ways to die. I can't do anything or go anywhere because of this pain.Imagine people always telling you to go lay down because they don't want to here you scream or cry in pain; yet they believe you are truly in pain it's more like we don't want to here it; is that it.

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  5. I live in pain almost 24 hours a day everyday for at least 20 years now; the doctors can't help, they put me on hydrocodone and ibuprofen, there's nothing more to do. I JUST WANT TO DIE!!! No this is not the first time I've said it and it's not just a thought. I was actually looking up ways to die. I can't do anything or go anywhere because of this pain.Imagine people always telling you to go lay down because they don't want to here you scream or cry in pain; yet they believe you are truly in pain it's more like we don't want to here it; is that it.

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