A couple of weeks before starting Depressed Academics, I started an entirely private blog just for myself about my depression. These are some posts collated from that.
December 28, 2012: I don't want to kill myself
I thought I should get the good news out of the way in my headline. I don't want to kill myself.
But on the other hand, I think to myself "I want to kill myself" several times every day. Sometimes I say it out loud, though almost always when I'm alone, or think I'm alone at least.
It happens after I have some negative thought. Most commonly it's something from the past where I think I did something wrong, even if that's with hindsight. It might happen several times in a row. I could be happy enough and suddenly a thought comes which makes me negative and makes me think "I want to kill myself."
I know I should be able to get out of this, and I wish I could think of this great SMBC comic. If I can successfully do that it reminds me I shouldn't let my brain do this to me.
But for now, I'll be reassured that I don't really want to kill myself.
December 28, 2012: I like SMBC!
Since writing my first and last post, I have been trying to get back into the habit of thinking of that comic when I feel something bad in my mind.
So I've been trying to stop myself saying "I want to kill myself" and replace it with "I like SMBC!" or if I don't catch it in time, saying "I like SMBC!" after "... myself".
It's been kind of working today, but I don't know if I can keep it up.
January 4, 2013: Not Been Too Bad
Since my last posts the SMBC thing has been more or less working.
I spent a day or two pretty much saying "I want to kill myself. ... no I love SMBC" or even "I want to .... love SMBC". Over and over again, many times a day.
Since then it's slowed down, which is great. That means that I don't tell myself I want to kill myself nearly so much. When I do I usually catch it and am not replacing it with SMBC, but just that I don't.
And I've been a lot more cheerful. Probably at about 1 or even sometimes 0. On a pointer where 0 equals normality, to be described in a later post.