I know when I am depressed. It's in my long hair. It gets tangles and knots. Sweat. Dirt. I know when I am hypo/manic. My hair is perfectly brushed several times a day. Combed clean. I don't know what it's like when I am stable. But I do think it's a little bit of both, maybe on the same day or different on different days.
I was stable. There was a time, yes. When I was eating light, doing light exercises, walks in the mountains. Quiet at times and at other times, connections I never imagined could exist. I did not speak the language well, or barely at all without some notes of some sort. I did not have a phone at all. I had limited access to email, but I was researching.
Research is critical to me. Speaking to the PhD choir here, I know. But you see, I start my PhD in August. I am nervous as heck, I will be honest. Will I start and fail? Will I fail before I start?
Anyhow, back to the research. I was researching important issues to me, deeply personal, deeply emotional, one might even say spiritual whatever that means to me. I was in my element. In all senses of the word/world.
I can't tell you what I was researching. For a time, I had no idea what I was researching. This is a semi-joke, all loving of course. But there was consistency in our spontaneous system of research. There was also consistency in my thoughts and actions. All along, I had wanted to document lowering my medications when I returned home. Because in the mind of my heart, I knew there was a little something off. Now, as I mentioned in my last post, I am documenting my madness. It's all the same. To me anyway. Because with medication withdrawal, there comes some withdrawal effects that can be and are dangerous.
Did I experience these withdrawal effects? I can't say for sure. But there was social pressure. To drink. To smoke cigarettes. There was R with his own issues. There was other systems of instability whether I was in the city of 2 or at my original home.
Also: Am I just someone who needs and should be medicated with high dosages of psychotropic medications?
I do think I need a medication or two for this transition. To achieve my goal: my PhD studies. Even in madness, it was there. But I don't think I need to be ashamed anymore of my emotions. I don't think I need to coat over the symptoms always.
I am grounded, but angry. Angry at a lot of folks. (The whole lot: docs, people, past partners, old friends) Angry at myself for not taking better care of me. For letting it get this far.
But something I learned from f. Forgiveness is possible. And if I can forgive someone, I can most certainly forgive myself.
The thing for me right now is that I have to listen to me. I have to listen to what's inside. (And outside, too). I have skills that I have learned from years and years of therapy, from friends, from past relationships, from f. I am an adult. I can take care of me. I will take care of me. Depressed, Manic, Schizo, Borderline, whatever name they throw at me next. Because I am a whole.
Now for you all, whatever your diagnosis may be. I have some questions:
1. Do you have identity issues with the medications? (I.E. not knowing who you are or who you could be?)
2. How do you cope with an illness diagnosis? (Note: I am having to relearn everything.)
Those are my two big concerns/questions. I have more. But I will just see what happens.
Thank you so much for reading. I applaud all of you for just coming to this site. Thanks thanks and more thanks.